"For a long time, he thought they had been cultivating the perfect
relationship. He had been fiercely protective, reversing all his mistakes so
they would not touch her. Likewise, keeping a tight rein on her own mistakes,
she always pleased him.
But to be fully couched within the comfort of a friend is a mode of existence
with severe implications. To please you perfectly, she must understand you
perfectly. Thus you cannot defy her expectations or escape her reach. Her
benevolence has circumscribed you, and your life's achievements will not reach
beyond the map she has drawn.
Tim needed to be non-manipulable. He needed a hope of transcendence. He
needed, sometimes, to be immune to the Princess's caring touch.
Off in the distance, Tim saw a castle where the flags flutter even when the
wind has expired, and the bread in the kitchen is always warm. A little bit of
magic." - BRAID
As was brought to my attention about a week or two ago, it's been a year since I broke up with Laura. Wow, a year. It feels like just yesterday and, at the same time, it feels like another life ago. In many ways, it was.
Around this time last year I was putting finishing touches on my crazy huge Narnia promo. I was re-dubbing episodes of Family Guy in Spanish with a good buddy Spencer (who I unfortunately haven't talked to much since.) I was swearing off all fast food for a while. I was just barely starting to take my DDR hobby seriously. I was driving away from Laura's house for the last time on a cloudy afternoon, singing "I've Got Some Falling to Do" by Lemon Demon ("I'm in a state of shock, but it's something new. I guess it all depends on your point of view...")
These types of reflections are usually saved for the end of the year, but on the occasion of being a year single, I've been in a particularly reflective mood lately, or more so than usual, anyway. And what with all I've been involved with since then, time has flown. On the other end of it all I find myself a very changed person, yet in many ways very much the same.
It's time for terrible pop-culture analogies. Summer of 2008 I've almost likened to Bella's transformation to vampire in Breaking Dawn, the fourth Twilight book. In the world of the series, being bitten by a vampire begins with terrible pain, followed by an exponential increase in pain. In the case of Bella, her pain began with having most of her ribcage and internal organs demolished during a very strange childbirth, followed by an internal sensation of scorching inferno for about 3 days straight, only increasing in pain until the very last minutes. On the other end, Bella emerged a new creature - essentially the same person inside, but with a whole new set of powers and abilities, and all former potential fully realized. Her complete destruction was necessary to become indestructible. (Analogy aside, Breaking Dawn is terrible - do not ever read it, or any of the other books in the series.)
My moment must've been when I was curled in the fetal position under my desk in my former office at Regal. I wish the pain had lasted only three days - instead, my transformation was closer to three months. I knew very early on in the Summer that it probably wouldn't be wise to try to enjoy my vacation; these fears were confirmed and increased as the Summer went on.
As my mother likes to remind me, time heals all wounds. As many times as I try to remember this, I find it impossible to believe until I've actually looked back and realized that the pain I thought would never go away is something I've already long since forgotten about.
As Fall kicked in, a renewed sense of self lead to new friends, new experiences, and a new outlook on life. I'd never felt so refreshed, and today I am still coming down from the high I felt when I first realized I could be myself and make friends in a strange new environment. Solo performances, a crazy dance party with instructors, shenanigans in downtown with new friends and complete strangers, first forays into short films, video production workshop with Esther Chae, my internship, a chill afternoon in North Hollywood, Big Love, karaoke, choir (complete with a Disney duet performance), made-up dating drama, redesigning websites for extra money (and, of course, burritos,) a Jewish waltz, guerrilla theater, almost getting kicked out of a mall, a dance show with three guys and 40 girls, one crazy play cast party - all this later, I'm wondering where the time went.
Remembering the year long milestone of being single, I had a sudden urge to watch Movie Nights (the "Regal Movie" as it's more popularly known.) At the time, I couldn't understand why I put myself through so much stress and needless work to make something like the Regal Movie exist - something that ultimately would probably not be as appreciated in proportion to how much work I put into it. I had no idea at the time that what I was making would end up being a time capsule for a period of my life that was shortly about to come to an end. The cover of the DVD shows five people: Kyle Kassebaum, Ben Templeton, John Shamblin, Corinna Cooper, and myself. Two estranged, one moved away and never heard from again, one deceased. And then there's me. Still around on the other side of one crazy adventure of a few years. Staring at the cover was unsettling - what cosmic force made me choose such an eerie image? It's as if something or someone knew what was about to happen to everyone a little further down the road. It really hasn't been that long since I made the DVD, but watching it today felt much stranger than watching it only a year ago.
Despite all that has happened, I feel myself genuinely hoping only for the best for all involved in that period of my life, and era which I will henceforth refer to as the Movie Nights era. An era where a bunch of idiot ushers could film action movies on the roof of the theater. Where two buddies would wait four hours to watch two back to back showings of Fantasmic. Where friends would show up in my driveway in the middle of the night with a bag of mozzarella sticks and hilarious conversation. Where I always had a special someone to make me feel loved, even if we didn't always mesh perfectly well together.
That's not to say I regret any of the choices I've made. I feel sad that some things had to turn out the way they did, and occasionally still feel twinges of anger for some of the parties involved. But I am sincere when I say that I hope everyone who's gone their separate ways finds every happiness they can, or at least finds some sort of peace of mind, like I have in the past year.
Single is such a strange term. It implies being alone, yet alone is one of the last things I feel. I've made some absolutely amazing friends in just 12 short months, while at the same time grown closer to my existing friends than I'd ever thought possible, and, as time goes on, I find the old and new integrating more and more. Corinna had a talent for uniting the different parts of her life and bringing people together - I hope I can learn to become as good at that as she once was.
About a year ago, I dreaded Summer. This time around, I'm ready to embrace it.
