Thursday, February 04, 2010

A Few Things


I realize I never wrote a "New Years Rant" for this year. I started writing one and realized that anything I could possibly have had to "rant" about was pretty trivial. I think this is a good thing.

It's pretty open knowledge that I don't believe in fate, but sometimes I like to label happy coincidences as such, just for the hell of it. Case in point: I've been planning on taking the proverbial wrecking ball to this website for a much needed facelift for at least a year or so now, but that project has kept getting buried under my ever growing to-do pile. The other day, Blogger helped me hurry along the process a bit by announcing that they would be discontinuing FTP support in a few months (something I've relied on since I started this thing, back in sophomore year of high school.)

If that's gibberish to you, don't worry. It basically means my pages need to go somewhere else or go away, meaning that I've got to make some drastic changes to the blog (the new layout is a byproduct of this happening, and is probably temporary.) To be honest, this announcement couldn't have come at a more appropriate time, as I've been contemplating what to do about this blog for a few months now. I don't want to eliminate it entirely, as I enjoy writing on occasion about who knows what (though I've been getting my fill of writing from CSUSM, thank you), but as far as documenting my life goes, Twitter has become a far more efficient (and entertaining) tool.

I don't know what I'm going to do yet. Probably move the files over to Blogspot, and officially put a cap on this blog when I finally graduate from college in May. In this situation, I would be able to say that I have a nice, neat documentation of my life during my formal education, starting in high school and following all the way through to my degree. After that point, who knows. My new site may or may not call for a new blog. We'll see what happens.

Lady Gaga is in this post for a reason - it's been a while since I've written, and somehow these pages have been untouched by her influence. As long as I'm following this page through to completion, I think it would be a crime not to mention her at least once. I'm guessing that my current almost overnight and spontaneous obsession with her represents some kind of weird phase I'm going through, which I'll eventually grow out of, but for the time being, I feel it's blogworthy. So lets get to posting some videos again, shall we?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Tidbits FOREVER



- Just finished my last final today. Pretty sure I'm not going to pass Spanish, which means my first repeated course in my entire college career. Sadface.

- I'm never taking 7 courses again. There's a reason why I didn't write anything during the entire month of November.

- This semester has been the most expensive yet. I've lost a harddrive, RCA cable, two black belts, two credit cards, and a bag belonging to the school containing miscellaneous cables and irreplaceable DV tapes and DVD's (among many other things which I'm sure I'm forgetting right now.) That's all on top of having to replace a blown tire and my car window that was smashed in broad daylight at my work. The losing stuff is all because I've been really scatter brained. Gonna try to be more on top of things next year.

- I only have one semester of school left, and that realization is just starting to hit me right now. Which means..

- I'm starting to get emotional about a lot of things, very easily. I'm sad that I won't be returning to choir next semester. I'm sad that I'll be leaving behind Dagnabit and all my theatre buddies. I'm sad that many of us who've grown so close in the last few years will go our separate ways after next summer. I'm sad that I can already see a fresh new group of CSU arts friends forming, all younger than me. It makes me feel old. And on that note...

- Damn. I feel old. I don't know why all of a sudden. Maybe graduation has something to do with it? But I know I'm not the only one. Myself and the only other two 23 year old's at tonight's choir dinner spent a good chunk of it marveling at how we were the oldest ones there.

- I really want to go out with a bang next semester. I feel like I've accomplished so much in such a small amount of time, and I want to leave my mark when I go. Not quite sure how I'm going to do that, but I've got a few ideas up my sleeve. We'll see what happens.


Here's one of the many pieces of work that frantically fell out of my head and into the real world over the last two weeks. I share it because 1) I love Lemon Demon, 2) it's the first of this kind of work I've made in a long time and I'm really proud of it, and 3) the style of the piece is a direct result of my mindset over the last two weeks - fractured, disjointed, and chaotic. Enjoy.

Friday, October 30, 2009

[Un]Drowning

Yesterday, as I was walking around campus, I was stopped by someone I knew from one of my classes and asked "why are you carrying that extension cable and power strip?" My response was a dejected look to the ground before replying "Honestly, I can't remember." It was just one of those moments where I was coming from one laborious task, on my way to another greater or equally laborious task, but thinking ahead to the one after that later in the evening, and all I knew at that moment of inquiry was that, at some point in the evening, there would be a moment where I'd need a long yellow extension cable and a power strip, and when that moment came, I'd sure as hell be ready for it.


Several weeks ago I began writing a blog post entitled "Drowning", which would have been about my struggles to keep my head above metaphorical water, what with trying to juggle seven classes at
CSU, being in a musical with an extremely demanding practice schedule, my continuing internship, working three days a week, being VP of a campus club, and several other small projects. Appropriately enough, I simply didn't have the time to finish writing the post, so tonight I've deleted the unfinished entry and decided to start fresh. This is me "undrowning".

I've gone through numerous changes in the past two years, and I'm finding one of the more puzzling of these changes to be my wanting to be busy. Like, all the time. Seriously, I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this. Back in high school I used to berate Laura (my ex) about why she would stack so many extra-curriculars on herself - my reasoning being that we were young, and that we should basically slack off as much as possible before the world forced us to go out and contribute to society. I lived most of the first half of college under that mantra. The change from then to now has been staggering.

I suspect a lot of it had to do with my "transformation period" (call it what you will) of the last couple of years - during traumatic periods in life, staying busy is often the only way to cope. But I haven't let up, and now I've got to figure out why. In fact, I keep piling on things for me to do, new projects, new places to explore and new things to teach myself. The upside of this is that I'm constantly finding myself in new situations and discovering new things about myself and the world around me. On the other hand, this is the first time I'm my life where I've had to schedule time for me to sleep, otherwise I'd probably work right through it.

Most recently, I just pulled off my first stint in a musical with our student theatre organization. That being my first musical, I also got a good look at the entire process involved in putting a play together, as the whole operation was entirely student run. It's funny to go to see a play and kind of be in the mindset that "things like this just kinda happen on their own"; it's entirely another thing to see the actual amount of work that goes into this type of project.

The stress and time demand was, I'll admit, taxing - to the point where this is the first time in many years where I've actually had to show concern about my grades in school, and keeping up with other responsibilities. In fact, I've only just now managed to catch up on work for my internship, and I'm still way behind on several smaller projects I am working on for clients - all this, and somehow the work still manages to be appearing faster than dissolving. As I've mentioned before, I have a hard time saying no to things.


The good news is, I think I'm going to pull through. Despite my struggles to keep my head above that metaphorical water, I'm just now starting to feel the pressure ease a bit as I slowly regain my humanity. The week of Halloween saw four separate parties for me (one of which I hosted,) as well as a trip to see Lion King (the musical) for my third time.

I am absolutely loving seeing all of my close friends on a regular basis again, and, almost as much as that, I'm loving having a chance to play video games again. It's been since July when I last enjoyed a new game, and Assassin's Creed is proving to be a great "congratulations, you made it through the musical" present to myself.

Soon, I will be enveloped once again. I don't know why I say that, but as the end of the semester looms, I feel CSU is cooking up something good, something to try and make me regret taking seven classes. And once that's done, what will the Spring hold for me? Yeah, I'm already looking ahead that far. There's another musical being held at the school which I'm strongly considering auditioning for, and I also have the opportunity to direct my own play for the student theater group (a one-act, Neil Simon comedy) should I choose to. That, on top of Spring being my final semester at CSUSM, should make for an interesting Spring. Will I be as busy (or, heaven forbid, busier,) as I am now? Time will tell.

Friends, if you're reading this, know that I haven't abandoned you. As Ren McCormack flamboyantly sings in the musical Footloose, "I can't stand still!" and I still really don't know why. But as long as I have this bug in me, this need to explore as much of this world around me as I can, I plan to take advantage of it. After all, I might not have the chance again, once the world forces me to go out and contribute to society.

Wow, that bookended itself nicely.

Friday, October 02, 2009

M.I.A.

Here's why:


I could try to talk about what I've been up to or how I've been feeling about life recently, but aside from the above, there really hasn't been much there - when I auditioned, the audition form asked "do you foresee any scheduling conflicts?", to which I wrote "if cast in this show, this play will be my life." I've been true to my word.

It's been a long journey, opening night is tomorrow, and there's only 3 weeks until it's all behind me. So, if you're reading this, please come see my show. Then you'll know what I've been up to. You won't regret it.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Summer of Blocks

Wow, summer's over already? That was fast. Well... I guess it's summer recap time - that's what everyone else seems to be doing.

A while back I posted an entry about Tetris, and how life is comparable to the game in that we are constantly trying to sort our "blocks" and make them disappear before they bury us completely. Sadly enough, this sentiment pretty much describes my entire summer.

If anything, I'm quickly learning that I need to stop saying "yes" to just about every opportunity that comes my way. This may prove to be very tricky - the typical pattern seems to go like this:

- Person: "Hey Matt, I heard you know how to [blank], well I have this proposition for you that involves [etc...]"

- I definitely don't have time for this...

- ... but if I don't do it, I may miss out on [a great opportunity / a sweet resume builder / a lot of cash].

- Me: "Yeah, sure, I'll do it."

As a result, the summer passed a lot quicker than I had hoped, though that's not to say I didn't have a great time in between the constant work. In between busy streaks I somehow managed to fit in a bunch of miscellaneous adventures, which, when viewed together, impresses me greatly given the time I've had. I'll let excerpts from my Twitter history speak for me:

...working on intern stuff, watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, and drinking lemonade. Chill afternoon.

Can't sleep. Whenever I play World of Goo right before bed I am plagued with nightmares about architecture. As such, I remain awake.

Sitting up on the palomar P, about to watch every fireworks show in north county. Whee!

I'm lost in the middle of the desert somehow...

Just went square dancing for the first time and loved it. Not sure what to think of myself at the moment...

Gambling at Jesus camp, Texas hold 'em. I suck at this. Keep me away from Vegas, please.

Making a tunic out of a Hannah Montana Movie banner for a costume party.

Watching Harry Potter!! AHHHH!!!

My oatmeal is currently exploding OH GOD HELP ME!!!

Im on a boat. Like seriously. This is too much. Never thought I'd be on a boat.

Wicked was freaking epic. Now Q&A with the cast woot!!

I've now played both nerf and ddr at work, on the same day. This is truly surreal...

At the Moonlight waiting for 42nd St. to start. I love this theatre!

In Club 33. An actor from the first Saw movie is dining behind us. And the food is excellent.

Karaoke, beach times, big booty, camp game, donut town. An all around fun evening.

At rehearsal, watching Jason and Krista work on one of their scenes. Freaking cracking me up.

BONFIRE TONIGHT! North side of Oceanside Pier. If you're reading this you should probably go ahead and be there. :D

Highlighter war paint under black light... laser tag just got crazy-go-nuts.

Eating jambalaya for the first time in my life, and loving it.

I'm going to play DDR, if for no other reason than to fulfill the need to stomp on something repeatedly. I'm having anger issues today.

PROJECT RUNWAY

Im at karaoke. If you're reading this you should show up.

I-HIZZOP


Pretty accurate depiction of my summer, I'd say.

One negative that's come from this summer is that I've let my health regime slip quite a bit - though I'm still in way better shape that I was at any point last year, I've definitely put a few pounds back on. It's been very hard to keep to a strict work out regime with so much going on, and even harder to keep to a diet when I'm out of the house so much and constantly eating out. Having a friend who works at Albertaco's does not help. I'm not too worried though - if anything good came from last year, it's my learning that I'm stronger than I think I am, and definitely capable of more than I give myself credit for. I will take the weight back off.

Also noteworthy - I started using my Twitter account a lot more, with less updates to my blog. I feel this is for the best, as it will keep me from posting trivial "this is what I've been up to" posts.

Meh, not much of a recap. Not the greatest summer (would've have like to maybe traveled a bit, gone to Vegas perhaps,) but definitely fun. On the inside? I'm doing alright, thanks for asking. I'm still loving life, trying not to let it get the best of me. I'm sure school will try to. Well, school better prepare for a battle.


PS: Just dance. It'll be okay.

Saturday, August 08, 2009

Books

This is a popular quote:

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."
- Alexander Graham Bell

I'm not entirely sure I see things that way, though.

I feel like life happens in chronicles, like a book series. It's more like, at any given time we can be immersed in one (or several) particular stories. Sometimes they end naturally, and sometimes we can choose to close them.

Sometimes, a book ends, and we don't pick up another again for a while. We coast. It's kind of like in that terrible movie "Click" with Adam Sandler - we go into kind of an autopilot, and just see where life takes us without actively taking any part.

Maybe that's why I like to be reading something at all times. I never used to be that way, but now, when I finish one story I always feel the need to immerse myself in another. I kind of feel the same way about real life, too. I'm always part of some story, some adventure, that I need to see through to the end. The only difference is that, here, I'm writing the chronicles. I can choose to close my own book. Like, when I decide I really don't want to go out with that girl I've had a crush on for a while ... closed book. Let's move on to a new story.

How many books am I reading right now? Literally, just one (George Orwell's 1984). Figuratively ... ?

... way more than one, that's for sure. While I've closed some books recently, I'm still feverishly writing many others.



I think I'd like to write my own book someday. For real, that is.

Monday, July 27, 2009

The Boy Who Lives

Once again, I find myself in a state of perpetually having just watched the newest Harry Potter film . One of the perks of my job is making the most of the big screen format of a movie through free tickets and repeated viewings. Though every once in a while we get lucky (Toy Story and Toy Story 2), no one really knows whether or not we'll ever have a chance to see our favorite movies on a big screen after it's initial release - kind of scary when you think about it. Of course when movies like Harry Potter or other such blockbusters come out, I make it a point to spend every lunch break (and, in the case of some movies, every night after work) watching these films so that I get my proper fill of them in all of their big-screen glory.

Harry Potter is kind of an interesting case; with a book/film series that has spanned collectively almost two decades, it's not uncommon to hear people say that they've grown up with Harry over the years. Perhaps this is why he's so easy to relate to - as he has grown older and he has matured, so have the readers of the series. For me, I started on the series a little older than most people, not getting into it until the first film was released, at which point I was about 15 and a sophomore in high school. Still, when I look back over the years, I am amazed at the journey I've experienced, which has at times been no less epic that Harry's.

Sorcerers Stone - December of 2001

I am a sophomore in high school, and I'm being dragged to the theatre by Lona, who I am dating, to see what the big deal is with this new Harry Potter thing.

The year leading up to this so far has been eventful; probably the most eventful in my life at that point. The summer of 2001 saw the beginnings of my Disneyland obsession as Disney's California Adventure opened to the public - a park I had been tracking the construction of for two years prior. At the end of each day of helping my dad repaint our new house, I logged on to my new found Disneyland insider blog sites every night to read the latest on how DCA was doing. As I did that, I also logged into AIM every night with crossed fingers that Nari would be online - the girl who would eventually become my first girlfriend, after an awkwardish 4th of July party at her parents' house. Regardless, I balance trying to deal with the awkwardness of my first relationship along with trying to deal with fitting in and adapting at Band Camp, which was to become my life for the rest of my high school career.

Three weeks into the school year, the World Trade Center is demolished, and all the tough, scary upperclassmen in my advanced physics class have tears running down their faces as we watch the destruction on TV, out of fear of potentially being drafted into a war which seemed inevitable at the time.. I am literally seeing these kids grow up before my eyes. The following day, my two month relationship with Nari ends. The entire world feels like it's collapsing.

But now it's November, and after a long season of endless rehearsals, developing a love for classic rock, and getting more physical activity than I'd ever known in my life, I'm now dating someone much cooler and we're seeing Harry Potter at Edwards San Marcos 18. Again, I'm reluctant about it, but her being an avid fan of the book series and having just seen the midnight show a few days prior, she swears up and down that this is something I need to get into. I agree because, well, that's what you're supposed to do when you have a girlfriend, right?

A few days later, I am in my room flipping out about why I have to wait another year for the second Harry Potter movie to find out what happens next to Harry. Then I realize, "oh yeah, books! duh!"  I can't remember the last time I'd read for purely enjoyment alone.

Chamber of Secrets - November of 2002

I've been with Lona for a year now and together we've gone through a lot of the typical high school experience. I make some solid friends in band, Ted still being my best buddy since elementary school. Lona and I are having a great time, and though she is away for most of the summer, I feel special as she sends me post cards and letters from out of town as she vacations with her family; never have I received real letters in the mail before. In the meantime, I accidentally discover Homestar Runner through one of my theme park blogs - it would only be a few months until Trogdor is a household name.

But as the new Junior year would progress, stress levels would increase all around. Our new band field show, set to the music of Styx, is simply not as cool as the Kansas show the year before and is not getting us the trophies we all desire. Practices are long and instructors are pissed off. Our band doesn't make finals in the Vegas competition (where Lona and I had first bonded the year before.) A depressed, probably attention seeking boy attempts to throw himself out of a school bus on the freeway on the way home from a band tournament. Classes get harder and my grades slip. Slowly and barely noticeably, my relationship with Lona begins to show cracks. But still, we're chugging along, and seeing Chamber of Secrets. At the time, it's probably my most highest anticipated film to date, but years later I will look back on that film and laugh at it. Why the round of applause for Hagrid at the end?

A few weeks later, we would all take part in the prestigious Tournament of Roses parade that we'd been preparing for all year. Despite the excitement of the week in LA going to cool and important places, and being on television many times over, Lona and I would find ourselves snippy with each other for most of the trip.

Prisoner of Azkaban - May of 2004

It's been a year and a half since Chamber and a lot has changed. Lona and I have split, and try to remain friends despite my devastation. I spend the summer preparing to become a student leader in band, mostly hanging out with my baritone buddies. I learn to drive while listening to Smash Mouth's Get the Picture album (an album I'm sure that only maybe 9 other people on the planet own.) I first begin to see my parents' marriage falling apart before my eyes during a family trip to Vegas, yet I refuse to believe it's happening. My senior year is tainted by this, while at the same time I'm also growing closer to a girl named Laura, and hanging out with her, her twin sister, and an RBV alumnus who is trying to date her (unbeknownst to me.) My life is a constant alternation of double dates with the three, and temper tantrums at home. I am failing classes and breaking furniture in a rage, though the presence of Laura is doing a lot to keep me from completely losing it.

So this is weird - I'm in a relationship with a girl much quieter and more low key, but I'm happy at least. I've just graduated high school and couldn't be more glad to be rid of it, even though I had a killer experience in band. And we're going to see the third Harry Potter movie, which has an oddly different feel than the two prior. Also, this would be the only Potter film I'd see at the new Krikorian theater in Vista - though this theater is much nicer and much closer to home, I have no idea that I would be getting my movies for free at San Marcos only a few months later. Regardless, I'm with Laura, and after an explosive year of drama at home, I've now settled into a kind of calm, almost zen. This is now the beginning of another journey.


Goblet of Fire - November of 2005

Another year and a half. Aside from Laura and a few friends, there are few remaining traces from my high school life that was such a big part of me for many years. I'm going to Miracosta, not sure what I'm going to do from there, and I've been working at Regal for about a year. My closest friends pretty much now all consist of Regal employees: Ben, Kyle, Corinna, another Laura, and, oddly enough, Ryan (Lona's older brother). By this time there's no longer any hard feelings between Lona and I, and we've managed to become good friends. I keep in contact with her while she's at college in Iowa; she thinks it's really strange that I'm good friends with her brother, even though I didn't ever say more than "hello" to him during the year and a half that we had dated. Ted has also gone away to school, and Ben is now my closest friend for the time being. Together, along with the rest of the Regal crew, we get into crazy shenanigans as I spend more and more time away from my now permanently broken home. We have a blast and I am loving my post high school life.

And I'm still with Laura. It's a bit odd - she's still in high school, while my world is no longer about high school band and I continue to cultivate my own social life. She kind of fits in with my group of friends okay, but stays clear for the most part. I try hard to balance my new friends with Laura and the remnants of my high school life. Still, the time since the last potter film has been pretty low key drama-wise. And this Potter movie looks pretty cool, though I'm not a huge fan of the book. Also, it's the first I see for free multiple times, and the first for which I work a midnight showing. I love having power over midnight show crowds. I watch the midnight show as Voldemort rises from the cauldron, and then spend the next hour after the movie geeking out with fellow regal employee James about horcruxes.

This would be the beginning of what would be known as the "Movie Nights" era.

Order of the Phoenix - July of 2007

The movie nights crew, along with Laura and a few more who have joined the circle, are all going to watch this newest film in 3D IMAX. This would be the first of three or four visits, and all part of a summer that is largely a recovery vehicle after another tumultuous year. We're all just trying to get over the events of a few months prior - Corinna, after having been forced to move out of her parents house and roommate with Ben for a few months, has voluntarily overdosed on sleeping pills, and we're all now spending the summer trying to keep our circle of friends together and undergo the healing process after losing someone we've grown to love so much over the last few years. Many of us spend the summer camping in the Davis family living room; as Corinna had been dating Ryan at the time of her death, and no one really wants to be alone anymore, it seems logical we should overtake his house. I have one of my first "how did I get here?" moments, as I connect my memories of being with Lona and visiting this house in high school with being in this house now in a completely different light, now friends with her older brother and mourning a girl I didn't even know I'd meet back when I was dating Lona.

The summer is fun at least and is a good distraction. The week after that first viewing of Potter, most of would cram into an apartment and read the newly released 7th Potter book together for nearly 30 hours. Wow... the books are done, the series over. Is this a concept I could have even tried to grasp back in that theater with Lona begrudgingly watching Sorcerers Stone six years prior? Could I, back in high school, have even tried to imagine where I'd be or who I'd be with when the last book was released? These mind bending thoughts aside, I proceed to view Order of the Phoenix literally every day after work. It would easily be my most watched Potter film.

I don't know it at the time, but the "Movie Nights" era is about to come to an end.

Half Blood Prince - present day

I look back between each film and see how much everything has changed between each one, and still am surprised by how much can happen in just year or two. I'm sitting upstairs at Edwards San Marcos 18 - the place I was introduced to Harry Potter so many years ago. In fact, a few feet away from me, I can see a print of Half Blood Prince unwinding on a projector platter. As I type this, I see behind this notepad file (where I write all my blogs) the images of people on my laptop's wallpaper: Arielle, Kristine, Mucio, Claudina, Krista, Jason, Sarah, Lorenzo. A shot taken from my improv theatre club. Most of these people I've met through being in a play at CSUSM, where I'm now attending school. Wait, who are these people? And a play, what? I act now? That all came out of left field. And, also, I'm now the mysterious hand in charge of getting people their Harry Potter fix at Edwards.

I broke up with Laura after over four years. Laura is no longer around. Ben, same thing. Now they are dating - I was once told that a good ending should be a surprising inevitability, and I guess in that sense the ending was fitting. The slate has pretty much been wiped clean, and with it, I've managed to lose all the weight I had put on since high school and also managed to construct a new social life from CSUSM. New friends, new activities, new everything. Of all the Harry Potter periods, this one probably saw the most random change, and I'm still trying to comprehend it. If you're reading this, you're a part of it all.

And T-Minus one year until Deathly Hallows.



Maybe my story isn't quite as epic as Harry's, but I like to stop and wonder - how would Harry have reacted in Sorcerer's Stone if someone had told him that he would one day be saving the world? Or that little girl on the platform would be his future wife? Or his friends Ron and Hermione, who hate each other, would one day fall in love? Or that half the people he would meet in the next few years would be dead not long after?

Trying to imagine being a sophomore in high school and being told everything I know now is mind bending. Too much for a person to handle.

I think it's safe to say that I have definitely grown up with Harry Potter. Perhaps this is the appeal - everyone has their own story. Anyone can think back to where they were when they first read X book or saw X movie and see how much things have changed. If you are reading this right now, I invite you to do the same. Realize how fragile time is, and how funny the universe works. All I know is that, good or bad, I can't wait to see how the story plays out between now and the next movie.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

On the Death of Michael Jackson

John
i am cafefully studying man in the mirror in preparation

Matt
john sing that song
and be my hero

John
lol

John
now im really excited to sing it
i'll try to sustain this for a week

Matt
i dont know if karaoke is happening next week
might need to wait 2

John
FORGET IT
some new celebrity will die by then
queen latifah

Matt
we can only hope


But seriously, yes, I am saddened. Not particularly because I was a huge fan of his, but because I am now seeing how many people he influenced, and how that influence was great enough even to last through his truly wacky later years. My mother cried for an entire day because she grew up with him and the Jackson 5 (her being the same age as MJ.) When a celebrity (or artist even) dies, a piece of our culture dies, culture being our willingness to come together and create - something only humans can really do. It is almost inspiring how humans are able to grieve and feel in such a manner. No other species can do that. Case in point:



(I hope CK doesn't mind me posting this...)



But now, that all being said, I'd appreciate if the media would stop profiting off of everyone's emotions, cover some real news, and let everyone get on with their lives. Thank you.

Monday, June 22, 2009

For the Better

Current poll-of-the-day on GameFaqs.com -

Has a video game ever made a major impact on your life?

1. Yes, a game has seriously made my life change for the better
2. Yes, a game has seriously made my life change for the worse
3. Not a major change, but a game has changed my life somewhat
4. Not a single game, but games in general have changed my life
5. No, games are just a way to spend time, they've never been that important

I like to vote in the poll every day for some reason, usually because they have some quirky video game related questions and it's fun to see how the masses of geeks think. On this poll, my initiall reaction was to vote option 4 - if not for video games as a child, maybe I would've been more social, had more friends, and gotten outside more often. Perhaps I wouldn't have been so fat and kids would've liked me more. I wanted to vote, yes, games have changed my life in general. And then I remembered my obsession.


Yes, a game has seriously made my life change for the better.

If I wasn't such a geek in the first place, could I have discovered such a hobby? A friend of mine pointed out the irony of it to me the other day - that the harm caused by video games as a child would later be undone by one single video game several years later. Even the universe enjoys a good joke every once in a while, it seems.



More writings later. Right now I am attempting to enjoy a well deserved break from non-stop performances and just school in general, before I get up off my ass and finish some projects I've been working on (not to mention actually start working on my project picture for Regal.)

I might be enjoying break a little too much, actually. Need to get back into playing DDR every day.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Hope of Transcendence


"For a long time, he thought they had been cultivating the perfect
relationship. He had been fiercely protective, reversing all his mistakes so
they would not touch her. Likewise, keeping a tight rein on her own mistakes,
she always pleased him.

But to be fully couched within the comfort of a friend is a mode of existence
with severe implications. To please you perfectly, she must understand you
perfectly. Thus you cannot defy her expectations or escape her reach. Her
benevolence has circumscribed you, and your life's achievements will not reach
beyond the map she has drawn.


Tim needed to be non-manipulable. He needed a hope of transcendence. He
needed, sometimes, to be immune to the Princess's caring touch.

Off in the distance, Tim saw a castle where the flags flutter even when the
wind has expired, and the bread in the kitchen is always warm. A little bit of
magic."
- BRAID



As was brought to my attention about a week or two ago, it's been a year since I broke up with Laura. Wow, a year. It feels like just yesterday and, at the same time, it feels like another life ago. In many ways, it was.

Around this time last year I was putting finishing touches on my crazy huge Narnia promo. I was re-dubbing episodes of Family Guy in Spanish with a good buddy Spencer (who I unfortunately haven't talked to much since.) I was swearing off all fast food for a while. I was just barely starting to take my DDR hobby seriously. I was driving away from Laura's house for the last time on a cloudy afternoon, singing "I've Got Some Falling to Do" by Lemon Demon ("I'm in a state of shock, but it's something new. I guess it all depends on your point of view...")

These types of reflections are usually saved for the end of the year, but on the occasion of being a year single, I've been in a particularly reflective mood lately, or more so than usual, anyway. And what with all I've been involved with since then, time has flown. On the other end of it all I find myself a very changed person, yet in many ways very much the same.

It's time for terrible pop-culture analogies. Summer of 2008 I've almost likened to Bella's transformation to vampire in Breaking Dawn, the fourth Twilight book. In the world of the series, being bitten by a vampire begins with terrible pain, followed by an exponential increase in pain. In the case of Bella, her pain began with having most of her ribcage and internal organs demolished during a very strange childbirth, followed by an internal sensation of scorching inferno for about 3 days straight, only increasing in pain until the very last minutes. On the other end, Bella emerged a new creature - essentially the same person inside, but with a whole new set of powers and abilities, and all former potential fully realized. Her complete destruction was necessary to become indestructible. (Analogy aside, Breaking Dawn is terrible - do not ever read it, or any of the other books in the series.)

My moment must've been when I was curled in the fetal position under my desk in my former office at Regal. I wish the pain had lasted only three days - instead, my transformation was closer to three months. I knew very early on in the Summer that it probably wouldn't be wise to try to enjoy my vacation; these fears were confirmed and increased as the Summer went on.

As my mother likes to remind me, time heals all wounds. As many times as I try to remember this, I find it impossible to believe until I've actually looked back and realized that the pain I thought would never go away is something I've already long since forgotten about.

As Fall kicked in, a renewed sense of self lead to new friends, new experiences, and a new outlook on life. I'd never felt so refreshed, and today I am still coming down from the high I felt when I first realized I could be myself and make friends in a strange new environment. Solo performances, a crazy dance party with instructors, shenanigans in downtown with new friends and complete strangers, first forays into short films, video production workshop with Esther Chae, my internship, a chill afternoon in North Hollywood, Big Love, karaoke, choir (complete with a Disney duet performance), made-up dating drama, redesigning websites for extra money (and, of course, burritos,) a Jewish waltz, guerrilla theater, almost getting kicked out of a mall, a dance show with three guys and 40 girls, one crazy play cast party - all this later, I'm wondering where the time went.

Remembering the year long milestone of being single, I had a sudden urge to watch Movie Nights (the "Regal Movie" as it's more popularly known.) At the time, I couldn't understand why I put myself through so much stress and needless work to make something like the Regal Movie exist - something that ultimately would probably not be as appreciated in proportion to how much work I put into it. I had no idea at the time that what I was making would end up being a time capsule for a period of my life that was shortly about to come to an end. The cover of the DVD shows five people: Kyle Kassebaum, Ben Templeton, John Shamblin, Corinna Cooper, and myself. Two estranged, one moved away and never heard from again, one deceased. And then there's me. Still around on the other side of one crazy adventure of a few years. Staring at the cover was unsettling - what cosmic force made me choose such an eerie image? It's as if something or someone knew what was about to happen to everyone a little further down the road. It really hasn't been that long since I made the DVD, but watching it today felt much stranger than watching it only a year ago.

Despite all that has happened, I feel myself genuinely hoping only for the best for all involved in that period of my life, and era which I will henceforth refer to as the Movie Nights era. An era where a bunch of idiot ushers could film action movies on the roof of the theater. Where two buddies would wait four hours to watch two back to back showings of Fantasmic. Where friends would show up in my driveway in the middle of the night with a bag of mozzarella sticks and hilarious conversation. Where I always had a special someone to make me feel loved, even if we didn't always mesh perfectly well together.

That's not to say I regret any of the choices I've made. I feel sad that some things had to turn out the way they did, and occasionally still feel twinges of anger for some of the parties involved. But I am sincere when I say that I hope everyone who's gone their separate ways finds every happiness they can, or at least finds some sort of peace of mind, like I have in the past year.

Single
is such a strange term. It implies being alone, yet alone is one of the last things I feel. I've made some absolutely amazing friends in just 12 short months, while at the same time grown closer to my existing friends than I'd ever thought possible, and, as time goes on, I find the old and new integrating more and more. Corinna had a talent for uniting the different parts of her life and bringing people together - I hope I can learn to become as good at that as she once was.

About a year ago, I dreaded Summer. This time around, I'm ready to embrace it.