Internal Conflict and all that good stuff...

I had two very pleasant, back to back dreams on Saturday night. As noted before, my dreams aren't typically "nice dreams" or "nightmares" - usually, they just don't make any sense (and the few times they aren't simply nonsensical, they're usually nightmares.) I'm not sure why this happened.

I was Harry Potter in the first dream, flying on a broom (geeky I know... it shouldn't surprise anyone though.) Another oddity, as I've only had maybe 2 other HP related dreams, and only one of them was I actually in the story (the other was where I discovered that Deathly Hallows ended with Harry and friends getting killed by Voldemort and JK Rowling preaching Christianity and anti-witchcraft messages.) In this one, there was nothing out of the ordinary; I was simply flying in a Quidditch match, chasing the snitch. The feeling of flight in my dream was one of the most vivid and realistic of feelings I've ever had while dreaming - the broom seemed to instantly recognize my every hand gesture, and the feeling of ascending and descending over the grass and feeling the wind on my face was like no other. At the end, I caught the snitch, won the game, and knew what it felt like to be loved by everyone.

There wasn't a whole lot to the second dream - I won $30,000 on a slot machine at Pechanga. I woke up just as I was beginning to decide how I was going to spend it.


Since then, most of my dreams have been more like hallucinations, where I keep believing that I'm Two-Face from The Dark Knight. This is likely due to several reasons, such as how I've seen The Dark Knight four times already (yes, it's THAT good...), or because I caught a cold on Sunday which is just now starting to subside, and being sick always makes me have weird dreams. But I'd like to think that there is a more interesting reason behind this - mainly that I feel like two different parts of me are at war with each other this week. I, once again, am finding myself at a crossroads, and have most inconveniently forgotten to bring my 'nocs, yet again (see the blog post "Crossroads" if you don't get the reference.)


It feels like every choice I've made this year has been the wrong one. As a result, I find myself second guessing everything I do and every thought I think, making my behavior and feelings maddeningly inconsistent. I hate that. I know what I ultimately want, but I don't know if I'm yet ready to be the person that is required of me to reach that. I know that, given a little bit of time, I definitely can be ready, but I don't know if I have that time to spare. If I take the time to mature enough to be able to take on said responsibilities, the opportunity may pass me by forever. And then, well, for lack of a better term, I'm fucked. It's an important decision, one that needs to be made soon, and I'm in the worst possible state for decision making; I have zero trust in myself, and absolutely despise myself for it. So what do I do? Do I go after what I want now, potentially unprepared, or do I grow up a bit first and wait until the time is right and risk losing my chance forever? It's driving me insane, and I can't stop changing my mind or second guessing myself. It's a classic case of the brain versus the heart; love versus logic. So maybe Two-Face isn't a good analogy; this is a problem that I know a simple coin-toss cannot decide. I wish it were as easy for me as it is for Two-Face; of course if it were that simple, then I'd be criminally insane, and that would be an even bigger problem...


On an entirely unrelated note, I think I'm going to take up bodyboarding again, at least for the remainder of the summer. I'm also thinking of buying a bicycle. I've now lost 31 lbs since the beginning of my diet, and expanding on my outdoor activities is probably a good direction to head next. Of course, I'm still playing the DDR - it's my new best friend.