Tidbits FOREVER

- Just finished my last final today. Pretty sure I'm not going to pass Spanish, which means my first repeated course in my entire college career. Sadface.

- I'm never taking 7 courses again. There's a reason why I didn't write anything during the entire month of November.

- This semester has been the most expensive yet. I've lost a harddrive, RCA cable, two black belts, two credit cards, and a bag belonging to the school containing miscellaneous cables and irreplaceable DV tapes and DVD's (among many other things which I'm sure I'm forgetting right now.) That's all on top of having to replace a blown tire and my car window that was smashed in broad daylight at my work. The losing stuff is all because I've been really scatter brained. Gonna try to be more on top of things next year.

- I only have one semester of school left, and that realization is just starting to hit me right now. Which means..

- I'm starting to get emotional about a lot of things, very easily. I'm sad that I won't be returning to choir next semester. I'm sad that I'll be leaving behind Dagnabit and all my theatre buddies. I'm sad that many of us who've grown so close in the last few years will go our separate ways after next summer. I'm sad that I can already see a fresh new group of CSU arts friends forming, all younger than me. It makes me feel old. And on that note...

- Damn. I feel old. I don't know why all of a sudden. Maybe graduation has something to do with it? But I know I'm not the only one. Myself and the only other two 23 year old's at tonight's choir dinner spent a good chunk of it marveling at how we were the oldest ones there.

- I really want to go out with a bang next semester. I feel like I've accomplished so much in such a small amount of time, and I want to leave my mark when I go. Not quite sure how I'm going to do that, but I've got a few ideas up my sleeve. We'll see what happens.


Here's one of the many pieces of work that frantically fell out of my head and into the real world over the last two weeks. I share it because 1) I love Lemon Demon, 2) it's the first of this kind of work I've made in a long time and I'm really proud of it, and 3) the style of the piece is a direct result of my mindset over the last two weeks - fractured, disjointed, and chaotic. Enjoy.

[Un]Drowning

Yesterday, as I was walking around campus, I was stopped by someone I knew from one of my classes and asked "why are you carrying that extension cable and power strip?" My response was a dejected look to the ground before replying "Honestly, I can't remember." It was just one of those moments where I was coming from one laborious task, on my way to another greater or equally laborious task, but thinking ahead to the one after that later in the evening, and all I knew at that moment of inquiry was that, at some point in the evening, there would be a moment where I'd need a long yellow extension cable and a power strip, and when that moment came, I'd sure as hell be ready for it.

Several weeks ago I began writing a blog post entitled "Drowning", which would have been about my struggles to keep my head above metaphorical water, what with trying to juggle seven classes at
CSU, being in a musical with an extremely demanding practice schedule, my continuing internship, working three days a week, being VP of a campus club, and several other small projects. Appropriately enough, I simply didn't have the time to finish writing the post, so tonight I've deleted the unfinished entry and decided to start fresh. This is me "undrowning".

I've gone through numerous changes in the past two years, and I'm finding one of the more puzzling of these changes to be my wanting to be busy. Like, all the time. Seriously, I'm having trouble wrapping my head around this. Back in high school I used to berate Laura (my ex) about why she would stack so many extra-curriculars on herself - my reasoning being that we were young, and that we should basically slack off as much as possible before the world forced us to go out and contribute to society. I lived most of the first half of college under that mantra. The change from then to now has been staggering.

I suspect a lot of it had to do with my "transformation period" (call it what you will) of the last couple of years - during traumatic periods in life, staying busy is often the only way to cope. But I haven't let up, and now I've got to figure out why. In fact, I keep piling on things for me to do, new projects, new places to explore and new things to teach myself. The upside of this is that I'm constantly finding myself in new situations and discovering new things about myself and the world around me. On the other hand, this is the first time I'm my life where I've had to schedule time for me to sleep, otherwise I'd probably work right through it.

Most recently, I just pulled off my first stint in a musical with our student theatre organization. That being my first musical, I also got a good look at the entire process involved in putting a play together, as the whole operation was entirely student run. It's funny to go to see a play and kind of be in the mindset that "things like this just kinda happen on their own"; it's entirely another thing to see the actual amount of work that goes into this type of project.

The stress and time demand was, I'll admit, taxing - to the point where this is the first time in many years where I've actually had to show concern about my grades in school, and keeping up with other responsibilities. In fact, I've only just now managed to catch up on work for my internship, and I'm still way behind on several smaller projects I am working on for clients - all this, and somehow the work still manages to be appearing faster than dissolving. As I've mentioned before, I have a hard time saying no to things.

The good news is, I think I'm going to pull through. Despite my struggles to keep my head above that metaphorical water, I'm just now starting to feel the pressure ease a bit as I slowly regain my humanity. The week of Halloween saw four separate parties for me (one of which I hosted,) as well as a trip to see Lion King (the musical) for my third time.

I am absolutely loving seeing all of my close friends on a regular basis again, and, almost as much as that, I'm loving having a chance to play video games again. It's been since July when I last enjoyed a new game, and Assassin's Creed is proving to be a great "congratulations, you made it through the musical" present to myself.

Soon, I will be enveloped once again. I don't know why I say that, but as the end of the semester looms, I feel CSU is cooking up something good, something to try and make me regret taking seven classes. And once that's done, what will the Spring hold for me? Yeah, I'm already looking ahead that far. There's another musical being held at the school which I'm strongly considering auditioning for, and I also have the opportunity to direct my own play for the student theater group (a one-act, Neil Simon comedy) should I choose to. That, on top of Spring being my final semester at CSUSM, should make for an interesting Spring. Will I be as busy (or, heaven forbid, busier,) as I am now? Time will tell.

Friends, if you're reading this, know that I haven't abandoned you. As Ren McCormack flamboyantly sings in the musical Footloose, "I can't stand still!" and I still really don't know why. But as long as I have this bug in me, this need to explore as much of this world around me as I can, I plan to take advantage of it. After all, I might not have the chance again, once the world forces me to go out and contribute to society.

Wow, that bookended itself nicely.

M.I.A.

Here's why:

I could try to talk about what I've been up to or how I've been feeling about life recently, but aside from the above, there really hasn't been much there - when I auditioned, the audition form asked "do you foresee any scheduling conflicts?", to which I wrote "if cast in this show, this play will be my life." I've been true to my word.

It's been a long journey, opening night is tomorrow, and there's only 3 weeks until it's all behind me. So, if you're reading this, please come see my show. Then you'll know what I've been up to. You won't regret it.

Summer of Blocks

Wow, summer's over already? That was fast. Well... I guess it's summer recap time - that's what everyone else seems to be doing.

A while back I posted an entry about Tetris, and how life is comparable to the game in that we are constantly trying to sort our "blocks" and make them disappear before they bury us completely. Sadly enough, this sentiment pretty much describes my entire summer.

If anything, I'm quickly learning that I need to stop saying "yes" to just about every opportunity that comes my way. This may prove to be very tricky - the typical pattern seems to go like this:

- Person: "Hey Matt, I heard you know how to [blank], well I have this proposition for you that involves [etc...]"

- I definitely don't have time for this...

- ... but if I don't do it, I may miss out on [a great opportunity / a sweet resume builder / a lot of cash].

- Me: "Yeah, sure, I'll do it."

As a result, the summer passed a lot quicker than I had hoped, though that's not to say I didn't have a great time in between the constant work. In between busy streaks I somehow managed to fit in a bunch of miscellaneous adventures, which, when viewed together, impresses me greatly given the time I've had. I'll let excerpts from my Twitter history speak for me:

...working on intern stuff, watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, and drinking lemonade. Chill afternoon.

Can't sleep. Whenever I play World of Goo right before bed I am plagued with nightmares about architecture. As such, I remain awake.

Sitting up on the palomar P, about to watch every fireworks show in north county. Whee!

I'm lost in the middle of the desert somehow...

Just went square dancing for the first time and loved it. Not sure what to think of myself at the moment...

Gambling at Jesus camp, Texas hold 'em. I suck at this. Keep me away from Vegas, please.

Making a tunic out of a Hannah Montana Movie banner for a costume party.

Watching Harry Potter!! AHHHH!!!

My oatmeal is currently exploding OH GOD HELP ME!!!

Im on a boat. Like seriously. This is too much. Never thought I'd be on a boat.

Wicked was freaking epic. Now Q&A with the cast woot!!

I've now played both nerf and ddr at work, on the same day. This is truly surreal...

At the Moonlight waiting for 42nd St. to start. I love this theatre!

In Club 33. An actor from the first Saw movie is dining behind us. And the food is excellent.

Karaoke, beach times, big booty, camp game, donut town. An all around fun evening.

At rehearsal, watching Jason and Krista work on one of their scenes. Freaking cracking me up.

BONFIRE TONIGHT! North side of Oceanside Pier. If you're reading this you should probably go ahead and be there. :D

Highlighter war paint under black light... laser tag just got crazy-go-nuts.

Eating jambalaya for the first time in my life, and loving it.

I'm going to play DDR, if for no other reason than to fulfill the need to stomp on something repeatedly. I'm having anger issues today.

PROJECT RUNWAY

Im at karaoke. If you're reading this you should show up.

I-HIZZOP

Pretty accurate depiction of my summer, I'd say.

One negative that's come from this summer is that I've let my health regime slip quite a bit - though I'm still in way better shape that I was at any point last year, I've definitely put a few pounds back on. It's been very hard to keep to a strict work out regime with so much going on, and even harder to keep to a diet when I'm out of the house so much and constantly eating out. Having a friend who works at Albertaco's does not help. I'm not too worried though - if anything good came from last year, it's my learning that I'm stronger than I think I am, and definitely capable of more than I give myself credit for. I will take the weight back off.

Also noteworthy - I started using my Twitter account a lot more, with less updates to my blog. I feel this is for the best, as it will keep me from posting trivial "this is what I've been up to" posts.

Meh, not much of a recap. Not the greatest summer (would've have like to maybe traveled a bit, gone to Vegas perhaps,) but definitely fun. On the inside? I'm doing alright, thanks for asking. I'm still loving life, trying not to let it get the best of me. I'm sure school will try to. Well, school better prepare for a battle.


PS: Just dance. It'll be okay.

Books

This is a popular quote:

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."
- Alexander Graham Bell

I'm not entirely sure I see things that way, though.

I feel like life happens in chronicles, like a book series. It's more like, at any given time we can be immersed in one (or several) particular stories. Sometimes they end naturally, and sometimes we can choose to close them.

Sometimes, a book ends, and we don't pick up another again for a while. We coast. It's kind of like in that terrible movie "Click" with Adam Sandler - we go into kind of an autopilot, and just see where life takes us without actively taking any part.

Maybe that's why I like to be reading something at all times. I never used to be that way, but now, when I finish one story I always feel the need to immerse myself in another. I kind of feel the same way about real life, too. I'm always part of some story, some adventure, that I need to see through to the end. The only difference is that, here, I'm writing the chronicles. I can choose to close my own book. Like, when I decide I really don't want to go out with that girl I've had a crush on for a while ... closed book. Let's move on to a new story.

How many books am I reading right now? Literally, just one (George Orwell's 1984). Figuratively ... ?

... way more than one, that's for sure. While I've closed some books recently, I'm still feverishly writing many others.



I think I'd like to write my own book someday. For real, that is.

The Boy Who Lives

Once again, I find myself in a state of perpetually having just watched the newest Harry Potter film . One of the perks of my job is making the most of the big screen format of a movie through free tickets and repeated viewings. Though every once in a while we get lucky (Toy Story and Toy Story 2), no one really knows whether or not we'll ever have a chance to see our favorite movies on a big screen after it's initial release - kind of scary when you think about it. Of course when movies like Harry Potter or other such blockbusters come out, I make it a point to spend every lunch break (and, in the case of some movies, every night after work) watching these films so that I get my proper fill of them in all of their big-screen glory.

Harry Potter is kind of an interesting case; with a book/film series that has spanned collectively almost two decades, it's not uncommon to hear people say that they've grown up with Harry over the years. Perhaps this is why he's so easy to relate to - as he has grown older and he has matured, so have the readers of the series. For me, I started on the series a little older than most people, not getting into it until the first film was released, at which point I was about 15 and a sophomore in high school. Still, when I look back over the years, I am amazed at the journey I've experienced, which has at times been no less epic that Harry's.

Sorcerers Stone - December of 2001

I am a sophomore in high school, and I'm being dragged to the theatre by Lona, who I am dating, to see what the big deal is with this new Harry Potter thing.

The year leading up to this so far has been eventful; probably the most eventful in my life at that point. The summer of 2001 saw the beginnings of my Disneyland obsession as Disney's California Adventure opened to the public - a park I had been tracking the construction of for two years prior. At the end of each day of helping my dad repaint our new house, I logged on to my new found Disneyland insider blog sites every night to read the latest on how DCA was doing. As I did that, I also logged into AIM every night with crossed fingers that Nari would be online - the girl who would eventually become my first girlfriend, after an awkwardish 4th of July party at her parents' house. Regardless, I balance trying to deal with the awkwardness of my first relationship along with trying to deal with fitting in and adapting at Band Camp, which was to become my life for the rest of my high school career.

Three weeks into the school year, the World Trade Center is demolished, and all the tough, scary upperclassmen in my advanced physics class have tears running down their faces as we watch the destruction on TV, out of fear of potentially being drafted into a war which seemed inevitable at the time.. I am literally seeing these kids grow up before my eyes. The following day, my two month relationship with Nari ends. The entire world feels like it's collapsing.

But now it's November, and after a long season of endless rehearsals, developing a love for classic rock, and getting more physical activity than I'd ever known in my life, I'm now dating someone much cooler and we're seeing Harry Potter at Edwards San Marcos 18. Again, I'm reluctant about it, but her being an avid fan of the book series and having just seen the midnight show a few days prior, she swears up and down that this is something I need to get into. I agree because, well, that's what you're supposed to do when you have a girlfriend, right?

A few days later, I am in my room flipping out about why I have to wait another year for the second Harry Potter movie to find out what happens next to Harry. Then I realize, "oh yeah, books! duh!"  I can't remember the last time I'd read for purely enjoyment alone.

Chamber of Secrets - November of 2002

I've been with Lona for a year now and together we've gone through a lot of the typical high school experience. I make some solid friends in band, Ted still being my best buddy since elementary school. Lona and I are having a great time, and though she is away for most of the summer, I feel special as she sends me post cards and letters from out of town as she vacations with her family; never have I received real letters in the mail before. In the meantime, I accidentally discover Homestar Runner through one of my theme park blogs - it would only be a few months until Trogdor is a household name.

But as the new Junior year would progress, stress levels would increase all around. Our new band field show, set to the music of Styx, is simply not as cool as the Kansas show the year before and is not getting us the trophies we all desire. Practices are long and instructors are pissed off. Our band doesn't make finals in the Vegas competition (where Lona and I had first bonded the year before.) A depressed, probably attention seeking boy attempts to throw himself out of a school bus on the freeway on the way home from a band tournament. Classes get harder and my grades slip. Slowly and barely noticeably, my relationship with Lona begins to show cracks. But still, we're chugging along, and seeing Chamber of Secrets. At the time, it's probably my most highest anticipated film to date, but years later I will look back on that film and laugh at it. Why the round of applause for Hagrid at the end?

A few weeks later, we would all take part in the prestigious Tournament of Roses parade that we'd been preparing for all year. Despite the excitement of the week in LA going to cool and important places, and being on television many times over, Lona and I would find ourselves snippy with each other for most of the trip.

Prisoner of Azkaban - May of 2004

It's been a year and a half since Chamber and a lot has changed. Lona and I have split, and try to remain friends despite my devastation. I spend the summer preparing to become a student leader in band, mostly hanging out with my baritone buddies. I learn to drive while listening to Smash Mouth's Get the Picture album (an album I'm sure that only maybe 9 other people on the planet own.) I first begin to see my parents' marriage falling apart before my eyes during a family trip to Vegas, yet I refuse to believe it's happening. My senior year is tainted by this, while at the same time I'm also growing closer to a girl named Laura, and hanging out with her, her twin sister, and an RBV alumnus who is trying to date her (unbeknownst to me.) My life is a constant alternation of double dates with the three, and temper tantrums at home. I am failing classes and breaking furniture in a rage, though the presence of Laura is doing a lot to keep me from completely losing it.

So this is weird - I'm in a relationship with a girl much quieter and more low key, but I'm happy at least. I've just graduated high school and couldn't be more glad to be rid of it, even though I had a killer experience in band. And we're going to see the third Harry Potter movie, which has an oddly different feel than the two prior. Also, this would be the only Potter film I'd see at the new Krikorian theater in Vista - though this theater is much nicer and much closer to home, I have no idea that I would be getting my movies for free at San Marcos only a few months later. Regardless, I'm with Laura, and after an explosive year of drama at home, I've now settled into a kind of calm, almost zen. This is now the beginning of another journey.

Goblet of Fire - November of 2005

Another year and a half. Aside from Laura and a few friends, there are few remaining traces from my high school life that was such a big part of me for many years. I'm going to Miracosta, not sure what I'm going to do from there, and I've been working at Regal for about a year. My closest friends pretty much now all consist of Regal employees: Ben, Kyle, Corinna, another Laura, and, oddly enough, Ryan (Lona's older brother). By this time there's no longer any hard feelings between Lona and I, and we've managed to become good friends. I keep in contact with her while she's at college in Iowa; she thinks it's really strange that I'm good friends with her brother, even though I didn't ever say more than "hello" to him during the year and a half that we had dated. Ted has also gone away to school, and Ben is now my closest friend for the time being. Together, along with the rest of the Regal crew, we get into crazy shenanigans as I spend more and more time away from my now permanently broken home. We have a blast and I am loving my post high school life.

And I'm still with Laura. It's a bit odd - she's still in high school, while my world is no longer about high school band and I continue to cultivate my own social life. She kind of fits in with my group of friends okay, but stays clear for the most part. I try hard to balance my new friends with Laura and the remnants of my high school life. Still, the time since the last potter film has been pretty low key drama-wise. And this Potter movie looks pretty cool, though I'm not a huge fan of the book. Also, it's the first I see for free multiple times, and the first for which I work a midnight showing. I love having power over midnight show crowds. I watch the midnight show as Voldemort rises from the cauldron, and then spend the next hour after the movie geeking out with fellow regal employee James about horcruxes.

This would be the beginning of what would be known as the "Movie Nights" era.

Order of the Phoenix - July of 2007

The movie nights crew, along with Laura and a few more who have joined the circle, are all going to watch this newest film in 3D IMAX. This would be the first of three or four visits, and all part of a summer that is largely a recovery vehicle after another tumultuous year. We're all just trying to get over the events of a few months prior - Corinna, after having been forced to move out of her parents house and roommate with Ben for a few months, has voluntarily overdosed on sleeping pills, and we're all now spending the summer trying to keep our circle of friends together and undergo the healing process after losing someone we've grown to love so much over the last few years. Many of us spend the summer camping in the Davis family living room; as Corinna had been dating Ryan at the time of her death, and no one really wants to be alone anymore, it seems logical we should overtake his house. I have one of my first "how did I get here?" moments, as I connect my memories of being with Lona and visiting this house in high school with being in this house now in a completely different light, now friends with her older brother and mourning a girl I didn't even know I'd meet back when I was dating Lona.

The summer is fun at least and is a good distraction. The week after that first viewing of Potter, most of would cram into an apartment and read the newly released 7th Potter book together for nearly 30 hours. Wow... the books are done, the series over. Is this a concept I could have even tried to grasp back in that theater with Lona begrudgingly watching Sorcerers Stone six years prior? Could I, back in high school, have even tried to imagine where I'd be or who I'd be with when the last book was released? These mind bending thoughts aside, I proceed to view Order of the Phoenix literally every day after work. It would easily be my most watched Potter film.

I don't know it at the time, but the "Movie Nights" era is about to come to an end.

Half Blood Prince - present day

I look back between each film and see how much everything has changed between each one, and still am surprised by how much can happen in just year or two. I'm sitting upstairs at Edwards San Marcos 18 - the place I was introduced to Harry Potter so many years ago. In fact, a few feet away from me, I can see a print of Half Blood Prince unwinding on a projector platter. As I type this, I see behind this notepad file (where I write all my blogs) the images of people on my laptop's wallpaper: Arielle, Kristine, Mucio, Claudina, Krista, Jason, Sarah, Lorenzo. A shot taken from my improv theatre club. Most of these people I've met through being in a play at CSUSM, where I'm now attending school. Wait, who are these people? And a play, what? I act now? That all came out of left field. And, also, I'm now the mysterious hand in charge of getting people their Harry Potter fix at Edwards.

I broke up with Laura after over four years. Laura is no longer around. Ben, same thing. Now they are dating - I was once told that a good ending should be a surprising inevitability, and I guess in that sense the ending was fitting. The slate has pretty much been wiped clean, and with it, I've managed to lose all the weight I had put on since high school and also managed to construct a new social life from CSUSM. New friends, new activities, new everything. Of all the Harry Potter periods, this one probably saw the most random change, and I'm still trying to comprehend it. If you're reading this, you're a part of it all.

And T-Minus one year until Deathly Hallows.

Maybe my story isn't quite as epic as Harry's, but I like to stop and wonder - how would Harry have reacted in Sorcerer's Stone if someone had told him that he would one day be saving the world? Or that little girl on the platform would be his future wife? Or his friends Ron and Hermione, who hate each other, would one day fall in love? Or that half the people he would meet in the next few years would be dead not long after?

Trying to imagine being a sophomore in high school and being told everything I know now is mind bending. Too much for a person to handle.

I think it's safe to say that I have definitely grown up with Harry Potter. Perhaps this is the appeal - everyone has their own story. Anyone can think back to where they were when they first read X book or saw X movie and see how much things have changed. If you are reading this right now, I invite you to do the same. Realize how fragile time is, and how funny the universe works. All I know is that, good or bad, I can't wait to see how the story plays out between now and the next movie.

On the Death of Michael Jackson

John
i am cafefully studying man in the mirror in preparation

Matt
john sing that song
and be my hero

John
lol

John
now im really excited to sing it
i'll try to sustain this for a week

Matt
i dont know if karaoke is happening next week
might need to wait 2

John
FORGET IT
some new celebrity will die by then
queen latifah

Matt
we can only hope

But seriously, yes, I am saddened. Not particularly because I was a huge fan of his, but because I am now seeing how many people he influenced, and how that influence was great enough even to last through his truly wacky later years. My mother cried for an entire day because she grew up with him and the Jackson 5 (her being the same age as MJ.) When a celebrity (or artist even) dies, a piece of our culture dies, culture being our willingness to come together and create - something only humans can really do. It is almost inspiring how humans are able to grieve and feel in such a manner. No other species can do that. Case in point:

(I hope CK doesn't mind me posting this...)

But now, that all being said, I'd appreciate if the media would stop profiting off of everyone's emotions, cover some real news, and let everyone get on with their lives. Thank you.

For the Better

Current poll-of-the-day on GameFaqs.com -

Has a video game ever made a major impact on your life?

1. Yes, a game has seriously made my life change for the better
2. Yes, a game has seriously made my life change for the worse
3. Not a major change, but a game has changed my life somewhat
4. Not a single game, but games in general have changed my life
5. No, games are just a way to spend time, they've never been that important

I like to vote in the poll every day for some reason, usually because they have some quirky video game related questions and it's fun to see how the masses of geeks think. On this poll, my initiall reaction was to vote option 4 - if not for video games as a child, maybe I would've been more social, had more friends, and gotten outside more often. Perhaps I wouldn't have been so fat and kids would've liked me more. I wanted to vote, yes, games have changed my life in general. And then I remembered my obsession.

Yes, a game has seriously made my life change for the better.

If I wasn't such a geek in the first place, could I have discovered such a hobby? A friend of mine pointed out the irony of it to me the other day - that the harm caused by video games as a child would later be undone by one single video game several years later. Even the universe enjoys a good joke every once in a while, it seems.



More writings later. Right now I am attempting to enjoy a well deserved break from non-stop performances and just school in general, before I get up off my ass and finish some projects I've been working on (not to mention actually start working on my project picture for Regal.)

I might be enjoying break a little too much, actually. Need to get back into playing DDR every day.

Hope of Transcendence

"For a long time, he thought they had been cultivating the perfect
relationship. He had been fiercely protective, reversing all his mistakes so
they would not touch her. Likewise, keeping a tight rein on her own mistakes,
she always pleased him.

But to be fully couched within the comfort of a friend is a mode of existence
with severe implications. To please you perfectly, she must understand you
perfectly. Thus you cannot defy her expectations or escape her reach. Her
benevolence has circumscribed you, and your life's achievements will not reach
beyond the map she has drawn.


Tim needed to be non-manipulable. He needed a hope of transcendence. He
needed, sometimes, to be immune to the Princess's caring touch.

Off in the distance, Tim saw a castle where the flags flutter even when the
wind has expired, and the bread in the kitchen is always warm. A little bit of
magic." - BRAID



As was brought to my attention about a week or two ago, it's been a year since I broke up with Laura. Wow, a year. It feels like just yesterday and, at the same time, it feels like another life ago. In many ways, it was.

Around this time last year I was putting finishing touches on my crazy huge Narnia promo. I was re-dubbing episodes of Family Guy in Spanish with a good buddy Spencer (who I unfortunately haven't talked to much since.) I was swearing off all fast food for a while. I was just barely starting to take my DDR hobby seriously. I was driving away from Laura's house for the last time on a cloudy afternoon, singing "I've Got Some Falling to Do" by Lemon Demon ("I'm in a state of shock, but it's something new. I guess it all depends on your point of view...")

These types of reflections are usually saved for the end of the year, but on the occasion of being a year single, I've been in a particularly reflective mood lately, or more so than usual, anyway. And what with all I've been involved with since then, time has flown. On the other end of it all I find myself a very changed person, yet in many ways very much the same.

It's time for terrible pop-culture analogies. Summer of 2008 I've almost likened to Bella's transformation to vampire in Breaking Dawn, the fourth Twilight book. In the world of the series, being bitten by a vampire begins with terrible pain, followed by an exponential increase in pain. In the case of Bella, her pain began with having most of her ribcage and internal organs demolished during a very strange childbirth, followed by an internal sensation of scorching inferno for about 3 days straight, only increasing in pain until the very last minutes. On the other end, Bella emerged a new creature - essentially the same person inside, but with a whole new set of powers and abilities, and all former potential fully realized. Her complete destruction was necessary to become indestructible. (Analogy aside, Breaking Dawn is terrible - do not ever read it, or any of the other books in the series.)

My moment must've been when I was curled in the fetal position under my desk in my former office at Regal. I wish the pain had lasted only three days - instead, my transformation was closer to three months. I knew very early on in the Summer that it probably wouldn't be wise to try to enjoy my vacation; these fears were confirmed and increased as the Summer went on.

As my mother likes to remind me, time heals all wounds. As many times as I try to remember this, I find it impossible to believe until I've actually looked back and realized that the pain I thought would never go away is something I've already long since forgotten about.

As Fall kicked in, a renewed sense of self lead to new friends, new experiences, and a new outlook on life. I'd never felt so refreshed, and today I am still coming down from the high I felt when I first realized I could be myself and make friends in a strange new environment. Solo performances, a crazy dance party with instructors, shenanigans in downtown with new friends and complete strangers, first forays into short films, video production workshop with Esther Chae, my internship, a chill afternoon in North Hollywood, Big Love, karaoke, choir (complete with a Disney duet performance), made-up dating drama, redesigning websites for extra money (and, of course, burritos,) a Jewish waltz, guerrilla theater, almost getting kicked out of a mall, a dance show with three guys and 40 girls, one crazy play cast party - all this later, I'm wondering where the time went.

Remembering the year long milestone of being single, I had a sudden urge to watch Movie Nights (the "Regal Movie" as it's more popularly known.) At the time, I couldn't understand why I put myself through so much stress and needless work to make something like the Regal Movie exist - something that ultimately would probably not be as appreciated in proportion to how much work I put into it. I had no idea at the time that what I was making would end up being a time capsule for a period of my life that was shortly about to come to an end. The cover of the DVD shows five people: Kyle Kassebaum, Ben Templeton, John Shamblin, Corinna Cooper, and myself. Two estranged, one moved away and never heard from again, one deceased. And then there's me. Still around on the other side of one crazy adventure of a few years. Staring at the cover was unsettling - what cosmic force made me choose such an eerie image? It's as if something or someone knew what was about to happen to everyone a little further down the road. It really hasn't been that long since I made the DVD, but watching it today felt much stranger than watching it only a year ago.

Despite all that has happened, I feel myself genuinely hoping only for the best for all involved in that period of my life, and era which I will henceforth refer to as the Movie Nights era. An era where a bunch of idiot ushers could film action movies on the roof of the theater. Where two buddies would wait four hours to watch two back to back showings of Fantasmic. Where friends would show up in my driveway in the middle of the night with a bag of mozzarella sticks and hilarious conversation. Where I always had a special someone to make me feel loved, even if we didn't always mesh perfectly well together.

That's not to say I regret any of the choices I've made. I feel sad that some things had to turn out the way they did, and occasionally still feel twinges of anger for some of the parties involved. But I am sincere when I say that I hope everyone who's gone their separate ways finds every happiness they can, or at least finds some sort of peace of mind, like I have in the past year.

Single is such a strange term. It implies being alone, yet alone is one of the last things I feel. I've made some absolutely amazing friends in just 12 short months, while at the same time grown closer to my existing friends than I'd ever thought possible, and, as time goes on, I find the old and new integrating more and more. Corinna had a talent for uniting the different parts of her life and bringing people together - I hope I can learn to become as good at that as she once was.

About a year ago, I dreaded Summer. This time around, I'm ready to embrace it.

D.E.A.D.

Thanks, Vince.

Ok, seriously, I have excuses for this.

1) I'm really busy.

I have a week and a half left of school, which means every day brings another essay due that I've yet to start, assignments I've forgotten about entirely, and things I was supposed to attend and write about but am now screwed as they've already passed. Additionally, I'm currently working on three separate websites - one for a friend, one for my internship, and then there's the massive redesign of my own website I'm currently knee deep in (hopefully there will be a fourth web project soon, pending a job interview tomorrow.) There's also the fact that I've been in a dance show, a choir concert, filmed a short movie, and completed and published a photography book just in the last week and a half. That, right after a 6 performance run of Big Love. AND I still have another choir concert. I may sound like I'm complaining, but I'm actually having the time of my life, so the blog will have to wait for the moment; my current philosophy has been "a little less conversation, a little more action." Oh, and on the topic of my massive, epic Fravit Net redesign...

2) I'm sick of writing.

This excuse I foresaw - every time I've redesigned this site, I've kind of momentarily stopped giving a shit about the blog. This is mostly because I'm generating a lot of new written content for the site itself, and I know the blog will still be there on the otherside when I redesign, so at the moment I've had a hard time looking at it.

3) I'm busy stockpiling weapons.

I have a feeling Swine Flu is on the verge of becoming a zombie outbreak. Or maybe that's wishful thinking. Yeah, I've got all kinds of problems, I know. Don't judge.


When summer break starts, I'm going to spend a week doing nothing but sleeping, DDRing, playing violent video games, and eating cinnamon toast crunch (and possibly a quiet Disneyland trip thrown in there somewhere, which will not be planned in any way, shape or form by Amy.)

I'll be back to this soon - my strange obsession for spilling my random thoughts on the internet will make sure it. I've noticed that many of you still check this on a regular basis, and that I've even managed to pick up one or two more regulars. Thanks for being stalkers.

Here's a random picture of me being raped in the kitchen corner by the three very attractive leading ladies of Big Love.


I felt both violated and elated. Thanks, crazy cast party.



Also, Fravit Net 5.0 is going to rock. I'm way excited.

Blog Vomit

All that crazy stuff I'm involved with (which I've outlined several times in previous writings) has consumed my life as of late, leaving me little time for blogging. As it stands, I'm only writing this because I'm bored in one of my lecture classes.

Here's an unorganized mass of stuff I've been up to.

went here



and here



did this

and got in the school paper for it


designed this



almost got kicked out of a mall



spontaneously filmed a short about a lesbian superhero for a friend.

participated in this (for some reason)


And, well, that barely scratches the surface, but class is over, which means so is this blog post. Suffice it to say, I'm very busy.

When this is all done, I'm taking the wrecking ball to this website again and rebuilding, so BE PREPARED.

Nothing Ever Ends

I've recently experienced Watchmen, both in comic and movie form. I have a lot of thoughts on the subject matter, so it's best I put them down before Watchmen becomes completely irrelevant.

I haven't read a whole lot of comics, so I'm not going to pretend like I know what I'm talking about, but from what I understand, what appears to set Watchmen apart from many other comics is that it is full of heroes who, aside from being completely human, are completely non-heroic by nature. The only character in the story who has any kind of superhuman ability is Dr. Manhattan, who's massive intellect and godlike powers have pushed him so far away from his own humanity that he has completely lost all interest in the human race.

Watchmen is essentially a story about normal people who only pretend to be heroes, as the word "hero" is one of the last words which can be used to describe them. Throughout the story, the results of each characters flaws, bad choices, and personal demons mingle and merge, creating a tangled web of human imperfection. Despite the fact that these characters are going out in the middle of the night to fight crime, they have their own very real set of problems. In a sense, their being branded as "heroes" is somewhat of a joke (as the Comedian character notes in a flashback, "It's all a joke.")

There's a great moment in the comic (which was unfortunately kind of mangled in the film adaptation,) where Adrian Veidt is reflecting on the choices he's made in sacrificing millions of lives in order to unite two nations on the brink of nuclear war, and he asks Dr. Manhattan, "Did I do the right thing in the end?", to which he resonds, "Nothing ever ends, Adrian. Nothing ever ends."

A lot of things have happened in my life in the last few years which still baffle me when I go back and reflect - in these times, I often feel disconnected from myself, as if I'm an observer of my life rather than a participant (in a way, not unlike Dr. Manhattan.) I tend to try to find narratives and trends in my life and figure out how they might translate to text/film/any other storytelling method - possibly because I've spent too much time living in fantasy worlds? I don't know.

I've made choices in the past few years. I've made decisions, reacted to things that have happened to me, done things which have affected those close to me. Some of these things I'm proud of; some of these things, quite the opposite. So, when I look back on these events and try to find natural narratives as I normally do, it's very much in my character to try to find natural end points to some of these plot strings and narratives. I ask myself: What was the significance of everything that has happened? How have these things changed me as a person? Where are we now in comparison to where we were before? And, most significantly, did I do the right thing in the end?

And then I realize - life isn't a narrative. As often as it may seem like there are patterns and structure, I remember what I have believed for so many years: "There's no fate but what we make for ourselves." To suggest that life is a story would imply that our futures our written, which I refuse to accept (well, not completely, at any rate.) Life is really just a huge melting pot of billions of people and their trillions of decisions, made every day, every moment of every person's lives. Time is unstable, making fate virtually impossible. So, when you get right down to it, nothing really ever does end - the world is in constant flux, and we are meant to adapt. Right thing? Wrong thing? We're all going to make both of said decisions at one point or another.

I guess what's most important is that we don't get hung up on what's happened. "Keep moving forward." Yes, we can learn from the past, but the important thing is that we keep going, keep adapting, keep living.

Watchmen has no end, really. No problems are solved - the end of the story implies that the conflict will continue indefinitely, and that the characters are going to keep struggling, whether they want to or not. I suppose that's why this story has resonated with me.

Just For Fun

Ck recorded this on her new Macbook while we were at Panera, brainstorming for our next video project... a look at the creative process behind our work. It's all very silly.

Once again, more later...

The Will is Everything

Today I...
- Beat Max 300 on DDR three times in a row, effectively making it my bitch.
- Belted Irish drinking songs for an hour in choir.
- Re-typed a play script for EC while watching Terminator 3.
- Edited photos of me on a farm.
- Did Suzuki.
- Filmed people throwing themselves on the ground screaming and doing flamboyant transvestite dances during play rehearsal.
- Saw Coraline in 3D again (I love our new 3D projector at our theatre.)
- Albertaco'd
- Wrote a paper about Aladdin and racism. I'm sorry, Disney.
- Designed this very random faux album cover because of another Facebook virus.


Yesterday I randomly found myself at the Esco Center for the Arts watching a hip-hop show, and at a farm in Pauma Valley the day before, trying new veggies I'd never heard of - my days have been long, yet varied, and I am grateful for this.

That's all for now. More later, I promise. Now, bed.

Life's But a Walking Shadow, pt. 2

I just finished putting together this 7 min documentary on Suzuki training, after a late night in the editing lab on Monday that ended at 2 am. All in all, I'm pretty happy with the response I received after viewing this in video class the next day. For those who didn't feel like reading my somewhat longish blog about Suzuki, you can just watch this video instead!

Yesterday our guerrilla theatre club pulled off it's first mission, which was a 5 min freeze in the cafeteria (known as THE DOME to CSUSM students) during lunch hour. It went fairly well, though I'm hoping we can get more people next time around and do something a bit crazier. I put together this website, www.dagnabitproductions.com, to detail our shenanigans - have a look, if you please.

In other random news, it has been confirmed that I'm going to have the lead part in our piece for the dance show, and there's a good chance I'll be doing a solo/duet piece for my choir concert (possibly A Whole New World, fingers crossed.) This means extra practices for both classes.

I reiterate - life, bring it on.

Someone Stop Me Before I Break Myself

I'm not entirely sure how this happened, but as of yesterday, I'm now somehow part of a guerrilla theatre club on campus. This is on top of everything else I'm doing this semester, which includes three advanced digital art classes, a play, choir performances, the dance show, the web design internship, and my promotions job which I decided not to give up. I'm not sure to what extent I'll be working with this group (acting, video work, or a combination,) but the time commitment doesn't seem too taxing and I figured I'd give it a shot.

If you don't know what guerrilla theatre is, the following video is a good example (even if you do know what guerrilla theatre is, you should watch it anyway because it's hysterical.)

So I suppose I'll have more on this recent development of my life as it comes. Seems like it's going to be a lot of fun.



I must be out of my damned mind...

Zombies!!!

"Darkness falls across the land, the midnight hour is close at hand..."


Survivors gearing up for the onslaught.


Vince infected.


Team Alpha about lay the smackdown on the living dead.


You can never have enough guns for this type of thing.


I was eaten alive. It was most horrific.


"Maybe... this was a bad idea,
oh no..."


The inaugural Community of Christ Zombie Patrol training session draws to a very successful close.

Life's But a Walking Shadow

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death.
Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury
Signifying nothing.

- Shakespeare

I wanted to find new experiences, and it seems this is one for the books. Now that the semester is in full swing, play rehearsals for Big Love have been happening at a regular, three day per week schedule. Our daily meets have been divided into two parts, beginning with an hour of Suzuki actor training, followed by two hours of actual play rehearsal.

Suzuki training is a method of martial arts for actors that was designed to help locate the center of the body; the idea is that, if all energy is being focused on the lower torso, the actor is free to step into his or her role without having to worry about what the rest of the body is doing. It's all about balance - becoming more comfortable with how you move and gaining an overall sense of control. Here's what Wiki has to say about it:

Suzuki’s methodology for approaching theatre and performance comes from understanding ancient Greek theatre and experiencing the Japanese performance styles of Noh and Kabuki, both of which emphasize strength in traditional values, discipline, and physical control. Where Tadashi Suzuki differs is in his eclecticism and search for performance means beyond what has already been exercised. He is a progressive director who has sought to redefine any traditional notions instilled in the realm of Japanese theatre and thus revitalize an art form.

His philosophies concerning the humanistic relationship between man and earth, one that defies spirituality in the traditional sense of the term, manifest in rigorous training practices that demand an extreme level of body control and physical exertion.

What that all means for us is a lot of stomping, posing, and balance exercises designed to really test the limits of our bodies. One aspect of the training includes having to memorize text from Shakespeare (above); during any of the large variety of exercises given, the instructor may call out "TEXT!" during whatever we're doing, prompting us to hold whatever physically taxing position we may find ourselves in and recite the text from memorization. The idea behind this is to be able to direct our attention away from the pain we're feeling, instead concentrating on something very specific.

For me, this means I'm consistently coming home sore and tired every night, which has also resulted in my sleeping pattern shifting more towards that of a normal person's pattern, rather than my old bedtime of 3 or 4 am.

We'd been told during our instruction that Suzuki training can aid not only acting, but all aspects of life in general; it teaches us how to walk, breath, have presence in social situations, and just live healthier in general. Only two weeks into the program, I've found myself putting the training to practical use. Yesterday I decided to warm up with a couple of the exercises before playing my daily DDR, and also see what might happen if I applied the Shakespeare text while playing. In short, this led to a highly increased concentration; in trying to remember the text, I found myself ignoring the pain brought on from the game and having much higher stamina. Not only was I able to play for much longer than I typically do, I was somehow able to do something miraculous / borderline impossible - I beat MAX 300.

I know most aren't accustomed to the individual stages of DDR, but if you've ever played Guitar Hero or Rock Band, or any music or simulation game for that matter, you'll know there's always that one impossible stage that everyone aspires to beat - for DDR, MAX 300 is it.

(note that the guy in the video is playing with a keyboard)

Pretty insane; it's a song I've tried at least once a day everyday for the last three months and have consistently failed somewhere around the half-way point - through the text, I was able to go from there to beating it seemingly overnight. I haven't mastered it, obviously, but I feel like playing DDR may actually be a good way for me to both memorize my play lines and improve at the game.


It's raining pretty hard out right now - there is something magical about tonight. I am excited by the prospect of going downstairs in an hour for martial arts practice during the rainstorm. I'm not sure why.

Facebook VIRUS

Well this thing is going around Facebook like the flu - how rapidly it's spread is really blowing my mind right now. Crazy social experiment, it is. After being tagged twice I figured I couldn't ignore it much longer, and since I bothered to take the time to participate in this silly exercise, it just means I have an excuse not to write a real blog post tonight.

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. My full name is Matthew David Chewiwie, though I was originally going to be named David Matthew Chewiwie.

2. If I leave my water bottle behind when I leave the house, I flip out just as much as I would if it were my wallet, keys, or cellphone.

3. Macaroni with hot dogs cut up in it is probably my favorite meal - it's easy to make, and covers the essentials (meat, cheese, carbs)

4. I think that if there's a "gay gene", I inherited like a mutated, half-assed version of it - it got everything right except the part about liking men.

5. I've never seen the third Lord of the Rings movie - after Two Towers I had no interest in continuing. This is a sin my friends continually try but fail to correct.

6. When I was five years old and first rode Star Tours at Disneyland, my only thoughts were "I know I can't possibly be in space right now, but HOW IN THE @^%^#@$ ARE THEY DOING THIS?!". I've been entranced by Disney Imagineering ever since.

7. I don't drink, ever, for any reason.

8. I like to stare directly into a flashlight bulb with one eye for a few seconds, and then look at the world alternating between my two eyes so that the world appears in different colors, like tints on a computer monitor. This is probably why I should be wearing glasses.

9. The Disney character I relate most with is Quasimodo. Incidentally, "Out There" is my favorite Disney song to sing.

10. When Harry Potter 7 came out, me and a group of friends bought the audio book at the midnight release and read the whole book together as a group, straight through from beginning to end. About 15 people started, and only 3 or 4 of us (including myself) made it to the end. It took over 25 hours.

11. Even at her current age, I think Meryl Streep is hot.

12. I miss my community college because of the breakfast burritos. I used to skip class for those things.

13. I can ride pretty much any roller coaster with no effect, but spinning too fast on the teacup ride will make me vomit.

14. I want to someday work on a film which gains a cult following.

15. I would love to play Amos (Roxie's husband) in a production of Chicago. John C. Reilly is my inspiration.

16. Mystery Men is among my top 5 favorite movies, though I openly acknowledge that it's a bad movie.

17. Though I continue to dine there, I have never forgiven Chipotle for getting rid of free drinks for college students.

18. One time I saw a full-sized statue of the T-800 from the Terminator movies in a Hollywood memorabilia shop - if I ever suddenly become rich, the first thing I'm going to do, before anything else, is go buy it.

19. I don't necessarily believe in reincarnation, but I like to look at everyone I know and try to figure out which animal they were in their past life. For really beautiful people, I just assume they were people in their last life. I think I was some kind of bear.

20. I will keep buying Smash Mouth's CD's as long as they keep making them.

21. I want Smash Mouth to freaking break up already.

22. I have a fear of deadlines. As a result, I usually end up pretending they don't exist to alleviate this fear, which leads to procrastination and then a greater fear of deadlines. It's a vicious cycle.

23. I can't leave Ihop until they've played a Seal song over the speakers.

24. When I was little, I wanted to be an illusionist/escape artist as an adult. I was really into magic and would practice trick knots and picking locks to escape from my sister's toy chest.

25. I want an orchestral arrangement of the ending theme to Sonic the Hedgehog 2 to be played at my funeral.

Hope that was enjoyable. On a completely unrelated note, I just realized how excited I am for the movie Coraline.

I'm tired and sore from Suzuki training, so it's bedtime. I'll explain what Suzuki training is later.

Did You Hear?

After abandoning Brett on our upcoming documentary project (in favor of killing two birds with one stone by filming my documentary at the photography field trip this Saturday,) I was ganged up on by my friends in film class and was the subject of much ridicule and picking-ons for the rest of the class period.

The results of this are evident in this film, which was our second "here's a camera you have an hour an a half go make something!" project. I was happy to be the subject of on-camera ridicule if it meant absolving my misdeeds - that said, I think these people who wrote the script know me far too well.

Tidbits REDUX

What's Matt Chewiwie been up to? TIME TO FIND OUT!

- It seems that the karaoke bar, followed by Ihop or other late night shenanigans, has become the staple of our circle's Monday nights activities. Seeing as Mondays are the only nights I have off this semester, hanging out around a fire pit with my closest friends and singing to strangers seems like a good way to take a load off.

- I ventured out into Valley Center with Brett and CK this past Saturday night for a party at Sarah's house. I was happy that I was able to have a good time despite knowing hardly anyone there (without even clinging to the few people I did know.) Rock Band, burritos, Mario Kart, jam sessions, and jumping over a fire pit all happened (there was also some drunken silliness which I was able to avoid for the most part.) I met a few new friendly people, as well. Good times.

- Last week I officially applied for graduation from CSUSM for Fall semester - with that came the dawning realization that my academic career may soon be coming to an end (I never thought I'd see this day.) I'm now starting to seriously consider grad school... more on this later.

- In other WTF news, somewhere in the last week I began thinking about how many different adventures life has to offer, and how many of them I want to experience. I've now decided that, to start, I want to get back into rock climbing, bungee jump off a bridge, go tandem sky diving, and zip line across a canyon. I'm completely serious on all counts - I've actually been looking into pricing and availability for each of these activities. Also, I want to accomplish at least one of these before the year is done (preferably NOT rock climbing; I'm looking to try something new.) Anyone up for some adventure?

- Today I started Advanced Digital Art and got a sense of what the semester is going to be like with it's workshop/field-trip based structure. My first outing will be on Saturday to a wildlife reserve in San Juan Capistrano. Through this class I'll be revisiting my digital arts blog (which most people didn't even know I kept) to document my adventures - if that's your type of thing, you can follow me at www.fravit.net/digitalarts

- The other day, while wasting time between classes, I fell asleep on the couch in the editing lab while reading Watchmen. It's official - the lab is my new second home. Sorry theater, you've been replaced.



Ehh, that's enough for now. Just felt like a bit of writing before bed, and now you're a little bit more up to speed. More on life as it hits me.

Pop

Advanced film class was fun yesterday; rather than the expected "Here's the syllabus, read it, come back next week and we'll get started," instead we were partnered up, given cameras, and told to "come up with an idea for a short film, shoot it, edit it, and create a soundtrack. Have it finished and ready to show me in an hour and a half. Go." All in all a pretty interesting way to start a new class - here's the result:

Not bad, I think. There's a few continuity errors in there, but we didn't really have any time to reshoot - we literally finished with a minute to spare. I showed this to my sister and she freaked out, calling me the devil.

The first meet of vocal ensemble today was equally fun - nothing too crazy, but we did get to sing right away, and it seems exciting. Miraculously, looking at the schedules between choir, dance and the play, I don't think there's any conflicts as far as performances go. Additionally, homework seems pretty light for dance and choir, so right now it's looking like I'm going to be keeping all of my classes. My fate is not entirely sealed at the moment, as the prospect of just how busy I'm about to be is still scary as hell, but I'm ready for it.

Chocolate Milk

Well here I am, back in the video lab at CSUSM after a lengthy-ish winter break. After all that happened last semester, I realize how much I've missed this place, and how much it really became my home during the last four months of 2008. My first class session of the semester was for Global Modern Dance, which I just came from. No movement today, but it looks like I'll be waltzing in front of an audience for the end of semester dance show. Doesn't seem too scary yet, despite my suspicions of me being the only guy in this class being confirmed immediately upon arrival this morning. No matter, I remain excited at the prospect of trying something new.

While seemingly everyone was watching the inauguration ceremonies this morning, I was scrambling to buy a parking permit and a few minor school supplies and make it in time to my first class. I wasn't happy at the prospect of having to pay $250 for a parking permit - it's the same price they usually charge per semester, but the parking this semester has been severely limited due to them closing down one of the main lots for redevelopment, the benefits of which I'll never see during the course of my stay at this school. It disturbs me that at 9:30 am this morning the next best lot was already entirely full. I shudder to think where I may be parking should I arrive in the afternoon. How exactly I'm going to approach this parking situation for the rest of the semester remains to be seen.

When I arrived to the studio out of breath at 9:58 am, mere minutes before the start of class, I was greeted with a sign which read "Dance class will start at 11 am today. ASSIGNMENT: Watch the inauguration ceremonies." Well, great. So much for rushing. I was of course bitter because I would have loved to have been at home watching the spectacle in DC. Regardless, I sat down and pulled out my laptop and was able to watch some live streaming stuff on the CNN website, but by then I had missed most of it (though I was able to catch Bush's exit, as well as some of the weird inaugural luncheon, which creeped me out for reasons I can't explain.) Later, they uploaded the video of Obama's speech, which was just as chills-inducing as I was expecting.

So now I sit here writing, waiting for 3 pm to roll around for Advanced Video Production class, and waiting for some friendly faces to eventually show up at some point, as I know they're destined to do. I know at least two of my friends from performing arts share this class with me, which is an exciting prospect, indeed. I hope that some more ridiculous student films are in our near future.


I was thinking about chocolate milk the other day. I love chocolate milk - it goes good with most meals and generally just brightens my day when I drink it, even if only a little bit. I tend to drink mine a little watered down, though, using far less chocolate than most would. That's good for me, because that typically means that the syrup / Nesquik powder ends up lasting longer before I have to buy more. Not too long ago I found myself in exactly that predicament - nearing the end of the container, with only enough scoops left for maybe one or two glasses. Every time I reach that point I think to myself "Crap, where did it all go?"

When you buy new chocolate milk, that thought never occurs to you. Or at least to me. Well, not until the other day, that is. Usually, my only thoughts are "Chocolate milk. Yeah! Alright! This is gonna go great with my eggs / pizza / hot dog / ham sammich!" But the other day I went to make some and my thoughts were different. For whatever reason, I looked at the reasonably full container, the mounds of brown grain like sand dunes in a great, chocolately Sahara, and was able to appreciate the wonder of such of a sight. I thought to myself "This container isn't always going to be like this." I knew that, eventually, it too would reach the point where patches of yellow are visible on the bottom of the container, and you know that your chocolate milk drinking days are nearly over (even if only temporarily.)

Anyone who would claims that time is an illusion has clearly never had chocolate milk before. If they had, they'd know that things are finite - they have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Even something as simple as a can of Nesquik can hold such profound discoveries as this. You really have to enjoy every glass as if it's your last glass, because when you do finally reach that last glass, who knows if or when you'll have another? I mean, hell, what if the grocery store is closed, you know?

This is how I want to live my life - like drinking a big, tall, frosty glass of chocolate milk. At some point I'm going to run out, so I need to enjoy it as much as possible until then. I'm going to start by enjoying every literal glass of chocolate milk much more, from now on. I'm going to follow that up by waltzing in front of an audience. After that, who knows? Sky diving, perhaps? This world provides limitless possibilities.

Life, bring it on.

The Curious Case of Fate and Free Will

I finally got around to devoting the necessary three hours out of my life to seeing The Curious Case of Benjamin Button yesterday, and was pleasantly surprised with what I found. Since it's release, I've heard more than a few comparisons made between this movie and Forrest Gump - mainly because of the huge scope and nature of the two tales. Aside from the storytelling, strong performances, and outstanding visual effects, this movie struck me for an unexpected reason, and that is it's dealing with the topics of fate versus free will.

Anyone who knows me at all will know that this is one of those heavy philosophical topics I often enjoy pondering, regardless of how futile such exercises may be. It's just something that's always fascinated me. One of the reasons Forrest Gump ranks up there in top 5 movies list is because of its statement about the issue - the movie has Momma on one side of the equation, teaching him that he makes his own destiny, while Lieutenant Dan stresses that each one of our futures is set in stone (who contradicts his own beliefs in saying that Forrest had the ability to alter this by rescuing him from the jungle.) Forrest eventually decides that it's possible that both forces may be at work at the same time - like the feather, which slowly drifts through the air. There are things we know are true about that feather's flight - mainly that, at one point or another, it's going to land. But the course it takes, as well as where is lands, are affected by many variables, such as an obstacle, or sudden gust of wind from a passing car and whatnot. Some things will happen, others, we're not sure clear on.

With all that happening, the movie introduces us to Forrest by having that feather land on his foot, for him to pick up and stare at in wonder. I have to believe that, while Forrest may appear simple on the outside, he really does understand the true meaning of that feather, and wonders, "Why did it land on my foot?" What parts are fate? What parts are affected by other means? Just how fragile is the universe, anyway?


There's a great scene in Benjamin Button (and I'll try to keep this spoiler-free) where a character ultimately ends up getting seriously injured. Throughout the moments leading up to the accident, several smaller incidents are spelled out which, if any one of them had happened differently (ie: a woman didn't forget to leave her keys on the counter, a child didn't run across the street at one specific moment, a girl hadn't gotten in a fight with her boyfriend the night before, leading to her not forgetting to make a floral arrangement for someone running late to something, etc.), the seconds altered in the process would've been enough to prevent the accident from happening - an accident, as it turns out, that significantly affects the course of a characters life. As I stated to a friend during the movie, "this is chaos theory kind of stuff." I was giddy with excitement as the scene unfolded.

Run Lola Run is film which is built solely around this concept - that even the smallest change in our surroundings can greatly affect the outcome of any given situation. The film goes to the extreme in that we see the same situation rewind and play itself out 3 different times, but all with different outcomes. The whole thing is a study on chaos theory.


We had our own "Run Lola Run" moment the other night during a game of cops and robbers, where our initial group showed up just after someone in the area had been jumped, and just before the victim decided to call his friends and go after them. Had my friends arrived minutes earlier or later, they would've been tangled up in this gang fight, but luckily were able to evade any trouble, and we were all able to meet up for a fun game (which had an interesting conclusion, but that's a story for another time.) But that fact of the matter is that odds favored our accidental involvement in a gang fight, which probably would have not ended well. How much of that is luck? Some would argue that it isn't - that the universe has a plan, and it planned for us not to run into any danger.

Well for now, I'll take the Forrest Gump route and say that "I think both is happening at the same time." As for Benjamin Button, there's definitely a lot there to think about - fate, free will, what we do with our time given, how life needs to be looked at in reverse to understand it, and slew of other things I could write about for hours. On the topic of fate and free will, it doesn't really give a conclusive answer as to what it believes - maybe the book will paint a more clear picture. In the meantime, I recommend everyone get other there, see the film, and form your own opinions on the matter.