New Years Rant '09

It's been a year, that's for sure.

We last left our story at the Davis family kitchen table, where I detailed another chapter of my life that seems like it was both very long ago and only just yesterday. The year began in Vegas, during what was perhaps the best vacation I've ever had in my life. Not even a month later, it was go-time again. Another loved one was trying to take her own life... fuck, really? Hadn't I already experienced my fair share of this kind of stuff in 2007? Well, if I've learned anything, it's that life has no memory - be prepared for anything at any given time.

I ended up driving to Arizona in the middle of the night with my best friend at the time to rescue her (how we were going to do that, I wasn't sure at the time.) Thankfully this attempt didn't have the same result as the last one did. In the small hotel room we stayed at that weekend, I watched on TV as the room we stayed in during the Vegas trip at the Monte Carlo burned down. I saw this is a strange omen that, whatever era I lived in a few weeks back, the Vegas trip was definitely the end of that era. I was in uncharted waters as of that moment.

The next few months were tumultuous, to say the least. Before any of this happened, I'd planned on a break up - now, things were much more complicated. It was a complete mind-trip... how do you leave someone when they potentially need you the most? How do you live with yourself? These are questions I'm still trying to answer. I'd never initiated the end of a relationship before, and to be honest, I'd much prefer being dumped. It's a lot easier to accept the inevitable than to be pulling the strings.

Despite this, I had a new job position and a very large project to keep me distracted until May. As the newly appointed promotions manager, I found myself visiting renaissance fairs and launching water balloons out of a catapult in the theater parking lot (among many other things) for the sake of promoting the new Narnia film. This is probably the most work I've ever put into a single project for Edwards, and it will probably be the last time (more on that later.)

I'd originally hoped that summer would be just as fantastic as the summer prior, but I quickly realized that this was not possible, and was something I just had to accept. Being single after four years in a relationship was a tough adjustment. Having a best friend completely turn his back on you right around the same time is another tough adjustment. Despite it all, I kept moving forward. I participated in all the typical summer fare - Disneyland trips, beach/bonfire stuff, laser tag, nerf wars, getting hassled by police, listening to way too much Red Hot Chili Peppers, etc. It helped to have some good friends home again after finishing college, and a few new ones added to the so called "number" (here's to you, Vince.) During it all I took up a new hobby - Dance Dance Revolution. Slowly I began to take off some of the weight I'd gained since the end of high school, which was definitely a plus. I also had a chance to visit a dear friend in San Francisco, thus going to a place I'd never been. The whole trip seems like a blur to me now - here's hoping I can visit again soon.

These were all very good distractions, but I wasn't happy. In July, things got even worse. I'd never felt more alone than during that month. I spent most of August just waiting for the fall semester to begin so I could forget that the whole first half of the year ever happened. Not a great way to finish out the summer. If it weren't for my friends, I may not have made it even that far.

Then something amazing happened. I started the new semester as I started most before - quiet, anti-social, and just ready to memorize the syllabi and figure out the bare minimum to get through my courses. Upon entering my Performing Arts class during the first week, all that changed. I don't need to spend too much time recounting what happened - if your'e a regular, you know what happened (and if you're not, shame on you.) For the first time ever I found myself opening up to people at school, learning names, socializing (even outside of school), and genuinely making friends. For the first time since high school, I had a "school life". Maybe it was because I'd lost 40 pounds thanks to the DDR, and found new confidence because of that. Maybe it was because we were all linked by a bizarre common interest. Maybe these people were just genuinely interesting and friendly. Whatever the reason, things were different. I started doing things. I wrote screenplays. I did a solo-performance on stage in front of an audience of strangers. I starred in two student films (three, if you count Sarah Fiehler's mood study.) I climbed a mountain. I dove into a pool fully clothed. I jumped out of a moving car. I voted Democrat. I worked in a film studio for a week. I felt loved.


And then, the opportunities. My screenplay was chosen out of several to be filmed during our workshop. I auditioned for a play on a whim and got the part, having no prior experience in acting. I was offered a job to work for the school television studio. I was offered an internship opportunity by a professional actress. Now, I'm not even sure which way is up anymore. All these things are happening - amidst my busy schedule already lined up for next semester (three tech classes, choir, dance, and the school play), I'm now facing a slew of opportunities and open doors. For the first time in a long time, I feel like my immediate future is completely unknown. Before, I had my friends, my job, my relationship, and my classes - an endless loop. Now, I'm realizing that all of those things are not set in stone. Relationships sure as hell aren't. I guess friendships aren't always either. And my job? Well... as my life keeps growing, I'm afraid that, sometime soon, there won't be room for it anymore. I'm sure I still have a little bit of time left, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

So what have I learned through all this? You know what, screw it. Last year I wrote some bullshit about love and friendship and whatnot. This year, I'm not going even going to try. So much has happened and I'm still making sense of it all, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Life isn't meant to be lived in stagnation - it keeps changing, keeps evolving. That's what I need to do. I need to move with it. So it's not so much that I haven't learned anything - more like, I am always learning. Constantly, all the time, everyday. Every second. Leaning about life, about myself, my loved ones, the world around me. These lessons may warp, change, grow, become irrelevant - whatever. I'm taking life as it goes from here on out. And I can safely say that I'm loving every minute of it.



Time to set some goals. NOT resolutions. A New Years Resolution is something you make with no intention of following up on. So here are my goals.

-Get my weight down to 160.
According to BMI and all that jazz, 162 is considered the max "normal" weight for my height. A lofty goal, but I lost a total of 50 pounds this year, another 35 is potentially doable.

-Save some money.
I just bought a $300 DDR pad.. I think I have enough ridiculous shit. If all goes according to plan (though nothing ever does,) I'll be done with college by the end of 2009, and I'll need to start saving.

-Build my resume.
It's time to get serious. I already have a good start on this thanks to the fall semester, but I need to get organized.



There. That should keep me busy. So, what else is there? Well, I'm not going to wish for a quiet or eventful year this time around - I guess we'll just see what happens. To my wonderful friends, thanks for sticking by me through all the madness. I'm looking forward to another year full of shenanigans.


And, finally, here's a look back on my top 5 favorite video posts from this blog over the past year. Enjoy :)


5) Wind's Nocturne
This year I discovered how much a person is capable of loving another. Somewhere out there is a person who feels this way about me.




4) Out There
Quasimodo is my hero. I let this video serve as my own personal mission statement.




3) Not Right Now, Derrick!
We can all use a good laugh now and then. These guys have provided several over the past year. Here's to you, Joshua, Olan and Thomas.




2) 123456 Pokemon
Barack Obama was elected president, in what was perhaps the most important news story of the year. I'd like to think that this video helped him out.




1) Baby Cake Diary #3
"Shit matters. Even if we can't figure it out. Even if we are ruled by devils. Even if my days don't mean anything. I just hope I die while hugging."

I wish everyone a fun and safe New Years, and a great 2009.

A Christmas Message

Happy Holidays everyone! And once again, to my regular readers, thanks for keeping up with my mixed up / humdrum life over the past year.


(some real updates coming soon, when I can wrangle together some pictures)

Sorry in Advance

Well, this brings me back.

Sorry, it just had to be posted. Have a nice day.

Grown Up Stuff

Alright, it's been over a week, time to write something.


I've had a strange recurring dream that's happened probably 3 or 4 times in the last two years or so. In it, I find myself suddenly remembering that I had signed up for a random math class at the beginning of my school semester, and realizing at the end of the semester that I'd completely forgotten about the class, it being buried under all of my other responsibilities and whatnot. I try frantically to figure out how I'm going to not fail the course, but realize that it's hopeless.

As I've said before, my dreams are typically neutral and/or don't make sense - that is, I rarely have nightmares. I find more and more that, when I do, they're completely believable; I always find myself surprised to wake up and realize that they're not real, as it's usually a more adult, down to earth fear I'm dreaming about. Case in point: I had that same dream last night, and when I woke up this morning (well, afternoon) the first thing I did was go online to check my school schedule and make sure my dream wasn't reality. Yes, it often takes me a while to escape dream world. To my delight, not only was I, in fact, still living in reality, but grades for this semester were already posted - 3 A's and a B in Spanish. That all really started my day off on a good note. I'm not sure why I've had that dream multiple times - when I think about it, I realize that it's been a long time since I've been genuinely stressed out about school.

I've been thinking a lot about the difference between being a kid and being an adult - it seems many adults long for their childhood again, when the world was simpler. I agree and disagree to that sentiment. It seems that, the older I get, the more responsibility I have, but, in turn, the less other people try to control me. For instance, all throughout grade school and even up through the end of high school, they would constantly send progress reports in the mail to let parents know how you were doing - I HATED this. Not because I was a bad student, but because I dreaded what would happen should an A slip to an A-, or even a B+, heaven forbid. Sometimes you might have a bad week or do not so well on a quiz, still all fully under your control, but the parents would still freak out. It was all very nerve wracking, and made school much more stressful than I wish it would have been.

Fast forward to now - no one really cares whether I succeed or not. If I fail, I deal with the consequences myself; no one else is there standing over my shoulder telling me that I'm doing it wrong. I like it this way - I'm in control. I like being in the driver's seat. This is the type of responsibility which comes with adulthood that I actually enjoy.

People say that when you grow out of childhood, you lose your sense of wonder and imagination (or at least part of it), the things that really make you a kid. I don't see why we can't have the best of both worlds. I still feel like my inner child is alive and kicking, while at the same time, I don't have the parental figures dictating my every move, or the school system casting its shadow, trying to make me feel small. It all makes for a really sweet combination.

I suspect some of this will change if/when I get married and have kids - those types of responsibilities would require people depending on you, which would then, once again, require you to answer to others. But I guess what differs is that you're in that position by your own choice, so really, it doesn't seem so bad.

Well, obviously I'm not there yet, and I still have some growing up to do. But until then, life seems pretty damn sweet to me.

"I can make it on my own..."

I had my first play meeting last night, which went pretty well. I was surprised to discover that there's actually going to be around 6 or 7 performances of the show (if I'm not mistaken) as opposed to the 4 I originally thought. This makes it even more exciting, as I don't have an understudy, so I'm going to be performing all of those nights. At the same time, I'm a bit worried about that week overlapping with dance and choir stuff, but I'll cross that bridge when I get there I guess.

On the way out of the meeting, in my foolish excitement I ran down the stairs 3 to 4 steps at a time and ended up landing on the side of my foot on the last step, bending it at least a full 90 degrees, maybe more. It was okay for a while, but when I woke up this morning I couldn't walk on it at all. Pain killers and icy hot helped me get from my car to my Spanish final (which went ok) at 7 am this morning, but I felt a lot like Lil' Brudder as I limped across the lot, dragging my crippled leg behind me.

So it's not broken, just very, very sprained, as I discovered when I went to the doctors immediately after my final. They've got me on crutches though, which is kind of embarrassing (they originally wanted me in a wheelchair, but I was having none of that nonsense.) The nurses all commented on how fast I was moving on the crutches on the way out - I'm probably headed for another injury at this rate. I'm supposed to stay off it for a week, so I guess it's good timing that school is out and I won't have to face the stairs of CSUSM, but it's also bad timing because I just ordered my Cobalt Flux dance pad and I'm not going to be able to use it for a while once it comes in. Also, I'm not sure if I'll be able to work this weekend; marquee for tonight is definitely out. I might just be headed for a weekend of nothing but video games... wouldn't that just be terrible.

Performing Arts Recap

I just wrote a long recap of my semester for an assignment, and decided to post it here randomly - read if you're bored and/or trying to avoid studying for finals.




This semester has by far been the most eye opening in my entire collegiate career thus far, and a large part of that would be thanks to this course. What started as a class simply taken to fulfill an obscure degree requirement quickly became a tool for overhauling my life and busting my “shell” wide open. A friend put it best by saying “not that you had much of a shell to begin with, but it's completely gone now.”

Even before the start of the workshops, I could tell that this experience would be significant, even within the first few class sessions. I remember being at the first class session, sitting in the back of the room with my laptop open, intent to continue to live in my own world and interact as little as possible. On the second day, I brought my laptop, but never took it out of the bag. After that, I simply left it at home, and found myself sitting with other people, getting to know my fellow peers and actually learning their names. Never before in college had I bothered to even learn people's names – for me, college was always just a place where I went to study and then go home; a tool for learning. I remember acting out an obscure scene from Mystery Men and singing “Part of Your World” in front of a room full of complete strangers during those initial days and wondering where this new found confidence came from.

Admittedly, a lot of that confidence was found from my experiences from earlier in the year. The first part of this year was complete hell, to be succinct. After a cavalcade of hard times in my personal life, what should have led to complete meltdown instead led to a razor sharp focus on figuring out who I was, going through a “format C drive” of sorts. This included a newfound obsession with DDR, which helped me lose 50 pounds (so far.) I have to believe that the weight loss had a lot to do with my newly gained confidence, which, in turn, really helped me open up during the first workshop with Pat Payne. By the end of it, I was silly walking, making up poetry on the spot and then reciting it in front of people, and doing things that would have been embarrassing mere months prior but for some reason were not. It felt like the events in my life, including my personal strife and my taking of this course, all aligned in an almost cosmic fashion. I realized this during my final performance for Pat Payne, where I paid tribute to that dark period of this year and how I learned to overcome it. I feel we all created true art that night.

The second workshop was eye opening, but it a much different sense. It wasn't all fun and games – now that I had gotten to know these fine people, our new bonds of friendship were to be put to the test, as we faced the irony of a workshop that dealt with topics of oppression but actually felt more oppressive than the topics we were dealing with. Had I been given the choice, I would not have chosen this workshop, as I typically try to avoid topics in art that involve politics or strong personal opinions. That's not to say that the workshop was a waste of time, however – though we dealt with a few rough edges, I feel everyone came out of the workshop feeling united, having successfully made order out of the chaos that was the theater for the oppressed. Sometimes stress can really help people come together and solve problems. Myself and several others celebrated this after the performance by having a crazy dance party.

A long drought of performance art followed the second workshop, as I was not signed up for another workshop until the last one in December. I sat there feeling mildly left out as I watched people update their Facebook pages with images from the Body Cartography project which looked like a lot of fun, and an even greater bonding experience. I kept myself busy, however, through other projects. I was delighted that I was able to work with many people from my performing arts class on these projects (included one in which I was invited to do,) so I never really felt completely isolated. I was glad that these people still wanted to talk to me outside of class.

Despite my lack of physical presence in the class, I was still learning quite a bit through the required readings. The writings of Anna Deveare Smith were particularly interesting – rather than being advice for potential artists, I saw the book as more of advice on how to live life in general. A few things stuck out of me. First, her words on self awareness - “As an artist, you are both in life and commentating on life. That's your position.” Self awareness is one of the more interesting concepts we studied this semester, as it's always something that's fascinated me, and something I've sought to have. For a long time I've felt that there were two parts to me: the one whose a part of the sitcom that is my life, and the one whose writing the screenplay. As time goes one, I feel like those two halves are beginning to integrate. In another reading, she talks of loneliness and isolation, about about how you need to really get inside the heads of people who are more alone than you to really understand this concept. I scanned and sent this reading to a friend of mine who is studying abroad in Scotland to help her get over her sense of homesickness.

Tim Miller also had some interesting things to write about. The thing that interested me most about reading Tim Miller's work (“Some Golden States” in particular) was seeing how many places he'd actually been, right around the same age I am right now. It really makes me excited for whatever journey I'm about to happen upon in my near future.

When the Esther Chae workshop rolled around, I came back with a renewed sense of focus, probably because of my itching to do something creative again. Though I was initially disappointed that I would not be acting for the workshop, I was delighted to discover a screenplay I wrote in my other class was chosen to be acted out by our actors. This was thrilling for me, as I'd never seen a story I'd written literally come to life before my eyes; it's inspired me to want to expand my stories and actually film them myself. I also had an opportunity get my feet wet with several different types of AV equipment. It was great getting to know Will White and the rest of the tech crew, and to just see the whole workshop take place from behind the scenes – it's really neat having a hand at the inner workings of such an operation.

The whole thing came down to a public show on Dec. 5th, where we displayed the end results of the workshop, as well as recapped the rest of the semester. I was surprised by the warm welcome I received as I emceed the event. I also felt a sense of pride as my family and friends from outside of school were there to see what we were doing and what it was all about. The event really felt like a good cap to the whole semester – this story has come to a close, yet just begun at the same time (as goofy as that sounds.)

So I've learned a few things, as to be expected. First, I've learned that art cannot be forced. This was a lesson learned through both Pat Payne and Forum theater; I can only create when it's something I care about, and if that means I have to wait around until I find it, then that's fine with me. I've learned that there should really be no hesitation when it comes to performance – like getting in a pool, you really just have to jump in and not worry (in fact, I did jump into a pool, literally, fully clothed this semester for the sake of art.)

Among other thing's I've learned, perhaps most important is that I've discovered that I want to try as many different new things as possible. This semester I discovered a lot of new things about myself, including some hidden talents, and I'm now wondering what else I'm capable of. If I fail, that's cool – at least I'll have tried. For next semester I've signed up for dance, vocal ensemble, and I'm also going to be in the Spring play – all things I've never done in my life. I'm scared but also excited.

Goals for myself include trying a wealth of new things (I'd like to try some new physical activity; dance is a good start), as well as compiling a more comprehensive collection of my work. I already have a pretty good website up and running, but I need to seriously take a look at either doing a massive update or overhauling the thing all together. I need to sit down with counselors again and take another look at my school progress and see exactly where I'm going. Above all, I need to keep doing things – seems vague, yes, but that's the most important thing. I don't ever want to fall back into my state of apathy I found myself at the beginning of this year. I wish to stay active, healthy, and striving for more knowledge and new experiences. This class has been the perfect start to this – it's helped me open up, show me things I've never considered, and get me to do things I didn't know I had within myself. I feel like my life is in the middle of a great period of change, and this class has been an excellent tool in perpetuating that for the good.

My Artist Statement

Alright, last video for a while (until I make something new, anyway.)

There was no asssignment or anything attached to this, really. We recorded our personal statements during the first day of Esther Chae's workshop to practice being on camera. I liked how mine turned out, so I stole it from the school server and, just for fun, started editing on my own time - what you see above is the end result. I'm actually really happy with how it turned out, and I think I'll probably use it for resume/portfolio type things when I need that sort of thing down the line.

Well, the hard part of this semester is over, for the most part. I have a few papers to write, a Spanish final to study for, and a presentation on art and the internet on Tuesday morning to give. Then I can finally relax.



OH WAIT. HOTEL FOR DOGS.


Well, shit...

Behind the Scenes at the Esther Chae Workshop

So last night went awesome like. Good turn out, movies all turned out great, and somehow I ended up being the emcee for the whole thing (probably because of my hair, I'm not gonna lie.)

This next video was actually something we showed last night - a behind the scenes look at our week of Esther Chae workshop. I spent close to 20 hours in this place this week, and that was before editing, but I had a great time, as indicated by this video.

Escape Plan

From the makers of "Detour" comes "Escape Plan", the next half-assed, mildly amusing film featuring all the same actors and locations. Yay!!!

And if you like that, here's a blooper reel, which is probably funnier than the actual film itself.

I think I've got two more files on the way. Right now, I've got to prepare for the big end of semester performing arts workshop wrap-up show.

Step Pad Poetry

Next up on the video queue is "Step Pad Poetry", which is my DDR solo performance I made quite a big deal about a few months ago. Now, people can finally see it.

Funny thing is, in the performance I mention losing 40 pounds, but since then I've lost another 10, so I still feel like I look a lot different than I did back then. I'm hoping that I'll inspire a few random people who may happen across it.

FUN FACT: This performance had no title until a random guy I encountered between classes stopped me and said "Hey, you're that guy, with the step pad poetry. Pretty cool." I liked the sound of that, so that's the title.

Mood Study

So I've been at school from 9am to 10pm everyday this week finishing up miscellaneous projects and getting ready for the final workshop show on Friday night (8pm, Arts 111 should anyone be interested). In the process I've been able to rip, compress, encode and otherwise compile many different video projects from the semester. As I upload them to YouTube I'll post them.

The first one is a project that was actually helmed by my friend Sarah Fiehler - it's a mood study of anxiety, using interpretive dance and a catchy electronic tune. We filmed this sometime around the end of September, and she let me upload it to my YouTube because she was dragging her own feet doing it herself.

We had a lot of fun shooting this, especially when the transit authority came over the God speakers and threatened to call the police on us. At any rate, hope you enjoy.