This semester has by far been the most eye opening in my entire collegiate career thus far, and a large part of that would be thanks to this course. What started as a class simply taken to fulfill an obscure degree requirement quickly became a tool for overhauling my life and busting my “shell” wide open. A friend put it best by saying “not that you had much of a shell to begin with, but it's completely gone now.”
Even before the start of the workshops, I could tell that this experience would be significant, even within the first few class sessions. I remember being at the first class session, sitting in the back of the room with my laptop open, intent to continue to live in my own world and interact as little as possible. On the second day, I brought my laptop, but never took it out of the bag. After that, I simply left it at home, and found myself sitting with other people, getting to know my fellow peers and actually learning their names. Never before in college had I bothered to even learn people's names – for me, college was always just a place where I went to study and then go home; a tool for learning. I remember acting out an obscure scene from Mystery Men and singing “Part of Your World” in front of a room full of complete strangers during those initial days and wondering where this new found confidence came from.
Admittedly, a lot of that confidence was found from my experiences from earlier in the year. The first part of this year was complete hell, to be succinct. After a cavalcade of hard times in my personal life, what should have led to complete meltdown instead led to a razor sharp focus on figuring out who I was, going through a “format C drive” of sorts. This included a newfound obsession with DDR, which helped me lose 50 pounds (so far.) I have to believe that the weight loss had a lot to do with my newly gained confidence, which, in turn, really helped me open up during the first workshop with Pat Payne. By the end of it, I was silly walking, making up poetry on the spot and then reciting it in front of people, and doing things that would have been embarrassing mere months prior but for some reason were not. It felt like the events in my life, including my personal strife and my taking of this course, all aligned in an almost cosmic fashion. I realized this during my final performance for Pat Payne, where I paid tribute to that dark period of this year and how I learned to overcome it. I feel we all created true art that night.
The second workshop was eye opening, but it a much different sense. It wasn't all fun and games – now that I had gotten to know these fine people, our new bonds of friendship were to be put to the test, as we faced the irony of a workshop that dealt with topics of oppression but actually felt more oppressive than the topics we were dealing with. Had I been given the choice, I would not have chosen this workshop, as I typically try to avoid topics in art that involve politics or strong personal opinions. That's not to say that the workshop was a waste of time, however – though we dealt with a few rough edges, I feel everyone came out of the workshop feeling united, having successfully made order out of the chaos that was the theater for the oppressed. Sometimes stress can really help people come together and solve problems. Myself and several others celebrated this after the performance by having a crazy dance party.
A long drought of performance art followed the second workshop, as I was not signed up for another workshop until the last one in December. I sat there feeling mildly left out as I watched people update their Facebook pages with images from the Body Cartography project which looked like a lot of fun, and an even greater bonding experience. I kept myself busy, however, through other projects. I was delighted that I was able to work with many people from my performing arts class on these projects (included one in which I was invited to do,) so I never really felt completely isolated. I was glad that these people still wanted to talk to me outside of class.
Despite my lack of physical presence in the class, I was still learning quite a bit through the required readings. The writings of Anna Deveare Smith were particularly interesting – rather than being advice for potential artists, I saw the book as more of advice on how to live life in general. A few things stuck out of me. First, her words on self awareness - “As an artist, you are both in life and commentating on life. That's your position.” Self awareness is one of the more interesting concepts we studied this semester, as it's always something that's fascinated me, and something I've sought to have. For a long time I've felt that there were two parts to me: the one whose a part of the sitcom that is my life, and the one whose writing the screenplay. As time goes one, I feel like those two halves are beginning to integrate. In another reading, she talks of loneliness and isolation, about about how you need to really get inside the heads of people who are more alone than you to really understand this concept. I scanned and sent this reading to a friend of mine who is studying abroad in Scotland to help her get over her sense of homesickness.
Tim Miller also had some interesting things to write about. The thing that interested me most about reading Tim Miller's work (“Some Golden States” in particular) was seeing how many places he'd actually been, right around the same age I am right now. It really makes me excited for whatever journey I'm about to happen upon in my near future.
When the Esther Chae workshop rolled around, I came back with a renewed sense of focus, probably because of my itching to do something creative again. Though I was initially disappointed that I would not be acting for the workshop, I was delighted to discover a screenplay I wrote in my other class was chosen to be acted out by our actors. This was thrilling for me, as I'd never seen a story I'd written literally come to life before my eyes; it's inspired me to want to expand my stories and actually film them myself. I also had an opportunity get my feet wet with several different types of AV equipment. It was great getting to know Will White and the rest of the tech crew, and to just see the whole workshop take place from behind the scenes – it's really neat having a hand at the inner workings of such an operation.
The whole thing came down to a public show on Dec. 5th, where we displayed the end results of the workshop, as well as recapped the rest of the semester. I was surprised by the warm welcome I received as I emceed the event. I also felt a sense of pride as my family and friends from outside of school were there to see what we were doing and what it was all about. The event really felt like a good cap to the whole semester – this story has come to a close, yet just begun at the same time (as goofy as that sounds.)
So I've learned a few things, as to be expected. First, I've learned that art cannot be forced. This was a lesson learned through both Pat Payne and Forum theater; I can only create when it's something I care about, and if that means I have to wait around until I find it, then that's fine with me. I've learned that there should really be no hesitation when it comes to performance – like getting in a pool, you really just have to jump in and not worry (in fact, I did jump into a pool, literally, fully clothed this semester for the sake of art.)
Among other thing's I've learned, perhaps most important is that I've discovered that I want to try as many different new things as possible. This semester I discovered a lot of new things about myself, including some hidden talents, and I'm now wondering what else I'm capable of. If I fail, that's cool – at least I'll have tried. For next semester I've signed up for dance, vocal ensemble, and I'm also going to be in the Spring play – all things I've never done in my life. I'm scared but also excited.
Goals for myself include trying a wealth of new things (I'd like to try some new physical activity; dance is a good start), as well as compiling a more comprehensive collection of my work. I already have a pretty good website up and running, but I need to seriously take a look at either doing a massive update or overhauling the thing all together. I need to sit down with counselors again and take another look at my school progress and see exactly where I'm going. Above all, I need to keep doing things – seems vague, yes, but that's the most important thing. I don't ever want to fall back into my state of apathy I found myself at the beginning of this year. I wish to stay active, healthy, and striving for more knowledge and new experiences. This class has been the perfect start to this – it's helped me open up, show me things I've never considered, and get me to do things I didn't know I had within myself. I feel like my life is in the middle of a great period of change, and this class has been an excellent tool in perpetuating that for the good.
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